Northern Powerhouse downgraded to Northern Outhouse

THE government has decided the North does not need a Northern Powerhouse and can make do with a new toilet instead.

After it emerged that the minister responsible rarely visited the North, he admitted the project has been reduced to a new outdoor toilet near Heckmondwike, but said it would be “very nice”.

Communities minister James Wharton said: “Our main problem is that hardly anyone in the North votes Tory, except for Brexit, so what’s the point in wasting all that money?

“What we propose instead is an outside lavatory with six loos for the use of every Northerner. We’ve spared no expense, including top-of-the-range hinges, flush handles and plenty of extra bog paper.

“Frankly the costs were getting out of control. We’ve already had to compensate a group of male strippers who’ve been calling themselves ‘Northern Powerhouse’ since 2005.

“Let’s face it, travellers to the North aren’t bothered about job opportunities or another bloody Henry Moore sculpture. You just need to know where the bogs are before you get back on the train.”

Northerner Roy Hobbs said: “It’s not quite the multi-billion high-tech industrial development I’d hoped for, but maybe they’ll need a toilet attendant.”