Northern Powerhouse downgraded to Northern Outhouse

THE government has decided the North does not need a Northern Powerhouse and can make do with a new toilet instead.

After it emerged that the minister responsible rarely visited the North, he admitted the project has been reduced to a new outdoor toilet near Heckmondwike, but said it would be “very nice”.

Communities minister James Wharton said: “Our main problem is that hardly anyone in the North votes Tory, except for Brexit, so what’s the point in wasting all that money?

“What we propose instead is an outside lavatory with six loos for the use of every Northerner. We’ve spared no expense, including top-of-the-range hinges, flush handles and plenty of extra bog paper.

“Frankly the costs were getting out of control. We’ve already had to compensate a group of male strippers who’ve been calling themselves ‘Northern Powerhouse’ since 2005.

“Let’s face it, travellers to the North aren’t bothered about job opportunities or another bloody Henry Moore sculpture. You just need to know where the bogs are before you get back on the train.”

Northerner Roy Hobbs said: “It’s not quite the multi-billion high-tech industrial development I’d hoped for, but maybe they’ll need a toilet attendant.”


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People who make sickening declarations of love online told to f**k off

PEOPLE who put nauseating statements about their partners on Instagram and Facebook have been told to desist.

Britons have had enough of over-the-top romantic messages full of pukey guff like ‘Heaven sent me a special angel called Becky’ and ‘Niall is my lover, my poet, my warrior’.

Martin Bishop said: “I put a picture of my partner Sarah on Instagram and said how lucky I am to be with this amazing lady who is my sexy, creative, gorgeous wife.

“But when I showed it to my friend Wayne he just said ‘Christ, mate, I nearly barfed on the cat’. Why can’t he share my joy?”

Friend Wayne Hayes said: “Martin’s managing to both show off about his hot wife and seem like a lovely, affectionate guy. The devious bastard’s really got the options covered.

“Well he can take his ‘magical goddess’ and stick her up his arse. Put it in a fucking card, mate.”

A Facebook spokesperson said: “We are taking steps to remove posts containing icky bullshit like ‘Pete is my hunky hero made of sunshine!’, particularly if they contain the word ‘blessed’.”