Nothing anything to do with Brexit

THE UK has confirmed that not a single thing in the entire world has any connection to Brexit. 

Politicians both left and right have agreed that queues at borders, small boats, inflation, low wages, staff shortages, and the collapsing NHS are nothing whatsoever to do with Brexit, which is anyway done.

The prime minister said: “Brexit? Weird you’d even bring that up.

“Brexit is at once a perfect and brilliant source of eternal radiance that uplifts us all as a nation and as individuals, and completely over, in the past and not worth mentioning.

“It has no material effect on our lives. That was never the point and if you thought it was I pity you. It cannot be blamed for any failings nor, conversely, was it ever fated to bring prosperity. It simply is.”

Labour leader Keir Starmer agreed: “Brexit was a decision the British public took, about which they were right in every possible way, which is now history and cannot be debated or discussed again.

“Brexit cannot be at fault by its very nature. Would you castigate the night for not being the day? Brexit is Brexit is Brexit.”

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Girlfriend working out which female friends boyfriend has boned

A WOMAN is attempting to work out which of her new boyfriend’s female friends are genuinely platonic and which he has done it with. 

Lucy Parry has been introduced to three of boyfriend Jordan Gardner’s female friends, a number she regards as suspicious in itself, and is trying to ascertain which have seen his engorged genitalia.

She said: “First there’s this Nat, apparently just an old pal from university until there’s a vague reference to them travelling Morocco and him talking in his sleep. So she’s seen his orgasm face.

“Then there’s Lindsey, who you’d think would be too old for him but she put her head on his shoulder in what I’d describe as an unmistakably post-coital mannerism.

“Helen may be actually platonic because there seems to be no sexual tension whatsoever, unless that’s exactly what they want me to think because they’re still at it. And that’s just the ones I’ve met.

“It makes me feel like I’m in a harem, except the sultan we’ve shared around like like a big bag of Hula Hoops is a 28-year-old retail manager from Warrington with a framed photo of Steven Gerrard on his wall that we’ve all looked at mid-shag.”

Gardner said: “Just because two individuals were once sexually intimate doesn’t mean they cease to respect, admire and support each another.

“And then at night I get to picture them all naked and I’m the king.”