THE government has confirmed its new policy on asylum is a little bit vicious, a little bit Denmark and a little bit Nigel Farage’s gonads taken right out of his red trousers.
Under new rules asylum seekers will not be given permanent residence, appeals will be limited, housing and financial support restricted, and a sad little pair of wizened danglers will be removed from their prison and nailed firmly to Britain’s mast.
Home secretary Shabana Mahmood said: “I understand many of you will find the Y-front-aged nutsack of this bigoted man offensive. I do myself. I know what they’d call me.
“But as it’s either the knackers or the whole Farage, and as he’s leading in the polls with a plan to deport British citizens born here, we thought we’d better come up with an asylum policy rather than not but pretending to like all previous governments.
“It’s based on Denmark’s, which seemed an ideal compromise because it’s got a socialist veneer for our left-wing voters while being all-white for the righties. And compromises that please nobody are what this government’s all about.
“Nigel won’t miss his testicles. He’ll be more docile and roam less without them. All the rest of us have to do is pretend we like having them up there for all to see.”
Farage said: “The Conservative party thought they’d deftly removed my scrotum in 2016. For a while they had. But I grew another one.”
