Painting buses and ignoring emails: Boris Johnson's holiday itinerary in full

WITH this nasty coronavirus business finally put to bed, Boris Johnson is taking a well-earned break from doing f**k all. Here’s how our lord and master will relax.

Day 1 – Paint some buses

Not real buses as part of long-overdue community service, but the model buses he makes out of wooden wine boxes like an outsider artist. This helps him to unwind, and Brexit-obsessed Tory voters don’t mind if it’s made-up bollocks.

Day 2 – Patronise Scottish people

The prime minister is holidaying in Scotland, so it will be hard to resist antagonising the Scots for the amusement of himself and English Tories. He will explain how Scots would all be living in dank bothies without subsidies from England and that shortbread is shit.

Day 3 – Cool off in a fridge

Popping into a walk-in fridge is Johnson’s preferred way of avoiding both literal and metaphorical heat. Little is known about what he does during these frosty retreats, although he could shag a milk bottle and get it stuck on his knob, and idiots would still vote for him.

Day 4 – Ignore emails titled ‘We need to U-turn again! URGENT!!!’

The PM will select hundreds of emails with this subject line and click ‘delete’ without reading them. By the time he returns to Downing Street all of these trivial matters will have been fixed or blown over anyway, so it would be a waste of his time opening them.

Day 5 – Sire another child

In a rare example of forward planning, Johnson will get another bun in the oven to give him something to distract us from Brexit in nine months’ time. Having used up many unfortunate names on his existing progeny, this one will probably be called Fingal Symbiosis Unobtanium.

Day 6 – Quarantine for two weeks

Following the holiday, Johnson will stay safe by wisely choosing not to work, not that you’ll notice any difference. Once he’s finally back at his desk his first priority will be to book another break to recover from all the stress.

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'Don't buy matching outdoor jackets' and other anti-ageing tips

IS ageing inevitable or can you stave it off by avoiding the pitfalls of older people obsessed with gardening and the past? These tips are all worth a try.

Don’t get into ‘walks’

One of the first signs of ageing is starting to enjoy ‘walks’ in the ‘fresh air’, usually to somewhere quite dull. The longer you stay away from the great outdoors and in your cramped and polluted city, with occasional trips to other cramped and polluted cities, the younger you will seem.

Watch what you wear

Avoid buying matching his-and-hers outdoor jackets. Other clothing warning signs include elasticated trousers and supermarket trainers. Comfy and practical, yes, but also sending out the message that you are resigned to a life of mundane coupledom until the grave.

Don’t live in the past

This can take various forms, such as researching your family tree or developing an interest in British history. If you find yourself getting out your new book on the Tudors to show people, stop. Alternatively you may start talking about the past far too much, like your own parents, except you’ll be boring people with Sleeper gigs instead of having a black-and-white telly.

Don’t get too financially comfortable

Living without financial security or savings is increasingly common, which is great news for anyone seeking eternal youth. And without a house or spending money in the bank, you won’t be buying gardening stuff and telling people about it, or joining a golf club. 

Do not talk about your car

The only appropriate contexts in which to discuss cars are if you’re stealing them or having sex in them. Any chat about how your car ‘handles’, how your journey was, or which car you are looking to buy next will age you at least 10 years. 

Never own a strimmer

You know those tricky bits of grass you can’t get to with the mower? You shouldn’t, because it makes you sound like someone who has given up on life.