Wednesday, 30th September 2020

Painting buses and ignoring emails: Boris Johnson's holiday itinerary in full

WITH this nasty coronavirus business finally put to bed, Boris Johnson is taking a well-earned break from doing f**k all. Here’s how our lord and master will relax.

Day 1 – Paint some buses

Not real buses as part of long-overdue community service, but the model buses he makes out of wooden wine boxes like an outsider artist. This helps him to unwind, and Brexit-obsessed Tory voters don’t mind if it’s made-up bollocks.

Day 2 – Patronise Scottish people

The prime minister is holidaying in Scotland, so it will be hard to resist antagonising the Scots for the amusement of himself and English Tories. He will explain how Scots would all be living in dank bothies without subsidies from England and that shortbread is shit.

Day 3 – Cool off in a fridge

Popping into a walk-in fridge is Johnson’s preferred way of avoiding both literal and metaphorical heat. Little is known about what he does during these frosty retreats, although he could shag a milk bottle and get it stuck on his knob, and idiots would still vote for him.

Day 4 – Ignore emails titled ‘We need to U-turn again! URGENT!!!’

The PM will select hundreds of emails with this subject line and click ‘delete’ without reading them. By the time he returns to Downing Street all of these trivial matters will have been fixed or blown over anyway, so it would be a waste of his time opening them.

Day 5 – Sire another child

In a rare example of forward planning, Johnson will get another bun in the oven to give him something to distract us from Brexit in nine months’ time. Having used up many unfortunate names on his existing progeny, this one will probably be called Fingal Symbiosis Unobtanium.

Day 6 – Quarantine for two weeks

Following the holiday, Johnson will stay safe by wisely choosing not to work, not that you’ll notice any difference. Once he’s finally back at his desk his first priority will be to book another break to recover from all the stress.