Police to get less than a third of one of Grayling's fuck-ups

POLICE facing a nationwide knife crime epidemic are to get much less than the cost of fixing one of Chris Grayling’s regular fuck-ups.

The Cabinet is battling over whether to release £10m of extra funding to stop horrific murders or hang on to it for the transport minister’s next spectacularly expensive disaster.

Chancellor Philip Hammond said: “£10 million is small change in the wider scheme of things and could make a real difference to knife crime, but we’ve got to plan for a future where Chris Grayling is still in government.

“This week it was £33 million to Eurotunnel because he bollocksed up massively. Next week it could be £108 million to prisoners unlawfully denied books. To be honest I wouldn’t be surprised if he does something really fucking stupid like setting fire to Wales.

“Britain needs to ask itself what it values more: the lives of its young people, or keeping Chris Grayling in a ministerial position? Remember, he’s solidly for Brexit.”

Grayling said: “I’m happy to have a crack at stopping knife crime. Just bear in mind it’ll make everything worse and cost £14 billion.”

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Man with stupidly expensive BMW wishing he'd just got a penis extension

A MAN who spent a huge amount of money on a new BMW could have got an actual penis extension for a fraction of the price.

Office manager Martin Bishop paid as much as a small house for his new BMW 8 Series before realising he could have cut to the chase and just got the big cock he craved.

Bishop said: “I did the maths on the drive home and I’ve been ripped off. For the cost of the Beemer I could have got a knob the size of one of those snake draught excluders.

“Getting my little fella – sorry, I meant ‘my above-average-sized fella’ – enlarged would only have set me back about £10,000. A bit of penile surgery would have been a snip at the price.

“Admittedly my penis hasn’t got an eight-speaker sound system and smart GPS, but with the car I’ve got to impress a woman with it before we get down to business. And, unlike my penis, it fucking guzzles petrol.

“I wonder if I can do a swap on some sort of website? There must be thousands of BMW owners in my predicament.”

The website BMWsIntoPenisEnlargements.co.uk said: “We can arrange for Mr Bishop to trade in his BMW for an unnaturally large penis and we’ll throw in a Vauxhall Corsa.”