Five much too personal things to do on crowded trains

HAVE you somehow got the impression that busy trains are your bathroom or GP’s surgery? Here are some overly personal things you really should stop doing.

Discussing sexual problems

Does your boyfriend have difficulty keeping it up unless you dress as Baby Spice and he calls you ‘dirty slut momma’ or similar? Have a loud phone conversation about it and add ‘agonising embarrassment’ to the misery of people’s commute.

Inserting teeth whitening trays

Some people treat their commute as part of their morning hygiene routine and consider it ideal for things like bleaching their teeth. This is not right. You wouldn’t bring a commode and have a shit on the 8.23 to Milton Keynes. Or maybe you would.

Eating a bucket of chicken

Some food is best consumed alone in a self-loathing orgy of grease, smells and shame. This includes burritos, chip shop battered sausages and anything from KFC.

Clipping your nails

Pinging shards of fingernail around should only ever be done in the privacy of your own home. If you even consider doing your toenails on a train your fellow passengers are allowed to kill you. In fact it is their moral duty.

Public displays of affection

Anything more than a firm handshake is unacceptable, including leg-stroking, tongue-touching and neck-nuzzling. If being on a hot, smelly, cramped train gets your juices flowing you are a pervert and should be in prison.

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Couple plan fun wedding with strict non-negotiable rules

A COUPLE who want a carefree, relaxed wedding everyone can enjoy also have a stringent set of requirements for guests. 

Tom Logan and Donna Sheridan, who hate being bound by tradition or rules, are planning a bohemian, non-traditional ceremony at which all guests must be barefoot and wearing white or they will not be allowed in.

Other stipulations include use of the wedding hashtag #logansheridan2019 for all photos uploaded to social media, mandatory flower crowns for under-eights, and contributions to the couple’s Adventure Fund on a sliding scale based on household income.

Best man Tom Booker said: “I was told I had free reign with my speech because they trusted me to say whatever I wanted. I’ve just received the guidance notes on my ninth draft.

“I also have to mention the name of the caterers at the beginning, middle and end so they get 15 per cent off falafels, and I’ve been given a contract to sign saying I’ll promote a responsible drinking culture at the reception. What?”

Chief bridesmaid Nikki Hollis said: “Donna’s told me I’ve got to lose two stone six pounds to be part of the bridal party. She included diets and charts.

“She’s not seeing me until the actual day. Boy is she in for a surprise.”