Man proud of ability to watch any game of football

A FOOTBALL fan has proudly proclaimed that he can watch literally any game of football, from the Champions League to a lads’ kickabout in the park. 

Martin Bishop, an Everton fan in the Premier League and a fan of a dizzying array of other teams in every other league you could name, confirmed that as long as it is football, he is there.

He continued: “Scottish third division? National League South? Turkish Süper Lig? J1 League in Japan? I’ll watch them all.

“If it’s in this country or Europe, I’ll go and watch it live no bother. Saw Lisburn Distillery lose four-nil in the Northern Ireland Premier Intermediate last month. Cracking game.

“On telly? I’ve yet to see a game I’d turn over from. The South American leagues are mesmerising. You can’t beat a bit of Nigerian football. I never miss a Brisbane Roar match in the A-League.

“Walking the dog the other night, I caught a five-a-side game in the park. Got really into it. Started chanting. They’re back again Thursday. I can’t wait.”

Colleague Steve Malley said: “It is true that he can watch any game of football. What he’s never managed to explain is why.”

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New grandparents can't wait to start undoing all parents' hard work

THE proud grandparents of a newborn baby cannot wait to get started undermining all his parents’ hard work in every way possible. 

Joseph and Anne Turner have been longing for a grandchild ever since they realised it would mean all the good parts of kids with none of the crushing responsibility.

Anne said: “My son and his wife have clearly thought long and hard about how to raise a stable, well-adjusted child through gentle discipline and clear boundaries, and we’re really looking forward to fucking all that up.

“We’ll begin by waking the baby up whenever we fancy, and then it’ll be ice-cream for dinner, pints of Coke, bedtime as late as they like. They’ll go home knackered and screaming but that’s not our problem.

“Christmas presents? Massive, ill-conceived and requiring a day of construction. Positive reinforcement? Ignored. They get a big cuddle from Granny as a reward for being bad.

“All the strict rules my son remembers from his childhood? Out the window. They’ll beg to come here while treating their parents like vicious dictators for asking them to brush their teeth.

“Honestly, it’ll almost make having bloody kids in the first place worth it.”