Tory conference ends with obligatory destruction of nearby comprehensive school

THE Tory Party Conference is to finish with the obligatory demolition of a local comprehensive school.

In recent years the traditional smashing to smithereens of a state school has become the main reason most of the delegates attend.

Party member Martin Bishop said: “I’ve brought along a sledge hammer. This year I’m going to smash the absolute living shit out of a blackboard.

“I’m calling it a blackboard because that will offend the likes of you and that will, in turn, give me my annual erection.”

Fellow Tory, Mary Fisher added: “Me and my friends are going to chuck all the chemistry equipment out the window.”

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Couple who only 'eat local' mostly eat cabbage

A COUPLE who pride themselves on buying fruit and vegetables grown locally eat only cabbages for eight months of the year.

Eleanor and Michael Shaw from Bedfordshire believe in letting everyone know that their fresh produce has zero air miles and even less taste.

Eleanor said: “We let nature choose our tasting menu. Unfortunately nature has a fairly shit imagination so it’s mainly coarse vegetable matter that needs to be stewed for hours in order to be suitable for non-bovine teeth.

“Importing food isn’t a sustainable or ethical way to live, plus I think on a holistic level it makes sense to consume foods that grew in as depressing a climate as you live in”.

Michael Shaw added: “We like supporting local farmers because that way we can avoid labelling that might clarify what the hell kind of soiled leaf we’re buying.

“In the summer we eat like kings, for the rest of the year, we add a lot of tabasco to mask the overwhelming cabbageyness of it all.

“We’re all about farm-to-table, or as we say on a particularly cabbage-heavy month, farm-to-sod-it-let’s-go-to-McDonalds.”