SCOTLAND is what they call the bit of land at the top of England, for some reason. It’s even allowed its own funny little political system. Here’s my guide to it.
Scotland believes it’s a separate country
Despite the fact that it’s actually just a faraway bit of England, people in Scotland think they live in a different country. We play along with this delusion and even allow them to have their own pretend elections, like children do to choose a primary school council. Bless.
They have something called ‘devolution’
Devolution is the opposite of evolution, which means Scotland is constantly going backwards. I’ve never been there myself, thank Christ, but I know for a fact they’re a race of troglodytes who live in mountains and communicate in an ancient language that doesn’t sound like English. They’re basically Neanderthals who accidentally invented Irn-Bru.
They have several imaginary political parties
Unlike England which just has the Conservatives and Labour, Scotland has made-up parties like the SNP. People even vote for them, as if that counts. It doesn’t matter though, as Westminster ignores them because, beyond being a handy place to park Trident, Scotland isn’t important.
They pay more tax
This is mental, right, but Scottish people have chosen to pay more tax than we do in England. Yeah, they get free prescriptions and cheap dentistry and stuff, but when it comes down to it they’re obviously just mugs. Who needs public services? Not me. I wouldn’t be seen dead on a bus.
They want to leave us
For some inexplicable reason, Scotland thinks that England doesn’t value it as part of the UK and wants to become independent. They should be grateful to be part of such a noble, upstanding, tolerant country as mine. F**king idiots. I blame Braveheart.