American Boris Johnson and English Boris Johnson to separate

BORIS Johnson is to have his US personality Big Tex Johnson removed and sent to the States to live an independent life.

New York-born Johnson developed a split personality in childhood and in America automatically switches to Tex, the no-nonsense cowboy-hat wearing Governor of Wyoming.

Psychiatrist Helen Archer says: “Johnson wanted to fit in, but with only an outsider’s understanding of his two cultures, the personas he created were each ludicrous parodies of their respective nations.

“Thus Boris is a bumbling Billy Bunter with thatched hair, and Big Tex is a man of few words who solves every problem with a six-shooter.

“Improbably, both characters have proved popular with the public at large because the public are very, very stupid.”

The separation, which will see both men walk off in separate bodies, was ordered by Tory chiefs worried that Boris will switch personalities unexpectedly.

A Conservative source said: “Boris is bad enough, but Big Tex has no time for double-dealing snakes which is basically the whole Tory party.

“The last thing we need is George Osborne shot dead mid-campaign for being a ‘no-good carpetbaggin’ varmint,’ popular with the public though it would be.”

Big Tex himself said: “Been good times, but ’bout time the Limey cut me loose. Bein’ trapped in a big bleached puppet half m’days ain’t no way for a man to live, though I sure will miss the ladies.”

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Nutella 'meant to be rubbed into the skin'

CHOCOLATE spread Nutella is designed to be absorbed through the pores, it has emerged.

A spokesman said: “Nutella was intended to be a revolution in chocolate consumption, shielding the user from harmful UV rays while melting deliciously into the epidermis.

“For example you could rub it all over your back before a business meeting, and enjoy the feeling of absorbing delicious chocolate without having to clumsily stuff your mouth full of chunks.

“But instead people decided to have it on toast for breakfast, which is disgusting and odd.”