ANY policies that seem like a good idea to you are actually total bullshit, newspapers have confirmed.
After Labour unveiled its manifesto, journalists immediately pointed out that ideas like higher taxes for the wealthy and publicly owned services were totally insane.
Daily Mail reporter Donna Sheridan said: “Voters could easily think running natural monopolies for the public good instead of rip-off profits is a good idea, so it’s important we provide balance and explain you’re fucking mad if you think that.
“We don’t need to criticise Tory spending in the same way because they always find money from somewhere for vital projects like HS2 and Brexit.”
Telegraph news editor Norman Steele said: “Utopian ideas like employing slightly more policemen never work because of complicated money reasons only English graduate journalists like me can understand.
“Everyone knows it’s a short step from free childcare to putting everyone in socialist death camps.”
Plumber Martin Bishop said: “Corbyn’s policies didn’t sound all that controversial to me but luckily I saw a copy of the Express and found out it was him who murdered Princess Diana.”