Any policies you quite like are bullshit, confirms media

ANY policies that seem like a good idea to you are actually total bullshit, newspapers have confirmed.

After Labour unveiled its manifesto, journalists immediately pointed out that ideas like higher taxes for the wealthy and publicly owned services were totally insane.

Daily Mail reporter Donna Sheridan said: “Voters could easily think running natural monopolies for the public good instead of rip-off profits is a good idea, so it’s important we provide balance and explain you’re fucking mad if you think that.

“We don’t need to criticise Tory spending in the same way because they always find money from somewhere for vital projects like HS2 and Brexit.”

Telegraph news editor Norman Steele said: “Utopian ideas like employing slightly more policemen never work because of complicated money reasons only English graduate journalists like me can understand.

“Everyone knows it’s a short step from free childcare to putting everyone in socialist death camps.”

Plumber Martin Bishop said: “Corbyn’s policies didn’t sound all that controversial to me but luckily I saw a copy of the Express and found out it was him who murdered Princess Diana.”

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Man realises he's been singing 'F**k the Pain Away' in the office

A MAN has realised he was singing a sexually explicit song about extreme mental anguish while at work.

Administrator Wayne Hayes found himself unconsciously singing Fuck the Pain Away by Peaches as he did things like filing invoices and watering pot plants.

Hayes said: “I’m not sure why I picked that particular track because I wasn’t feeling any more depressed and alienated than usual.

“However I’ve got a nasty feeling Gavin from sales overheard the bit about ‘sucking on my titties like you wanted me’ because he ran off when I said ‘hi’ in the toilets.

“I’m sure I was only singing it because it’s incredibly catchy, not because it subconsciously reflects my feelings about working in this suffocating void of boredom and petty spite.

“Seriously, I’m fine here. I totally agree with my girlfriend and parents that giving up my band to get a proper job printing out purchase orders was the right thing to do.”

Logan has resolved to stop singing at work, but today found himself quietly chanting “Fuck you I won’t do what you tell me” while ordering some Post-It notes.