Theresa May's campaign schedule for today

AN exclusive look at Theresa May’s campaign schedule for today, and every other day.

6.30am: Wake up, already right.

7am: Watch news, add more names to list.

8am: Begin transport to [UNDISCLOSED LOCATION].

9.30am: Confirm with election team that [UNDISCLOSED LOCATION] has been cleared of all unvetted people to radius of five miles.

10.30am: Watch team of Romanian actors pretending to be British citizens enact a typical British scene, for example factory-making or crop-rotating.

11am: Deliver speech to Romanian actors.

11.10am: Deliver speech again as some actors unconsciously mouthed along with it.

11.30am: Deliver speech third time but with occasional interruptions, or as media terms it ‘interview’.

12pm: Lunch, strong and stable with side order of best deal for Britain.

1.30pm: Knock on voter’s door for cameras after making sure Special Branch team holding householder at gunpoint are concealed from sight.

2pm: Return to infusion tank for physical form to be revitalised by ‘dead fluids’.

6pm: Watch TV news, swear vengeance on those who create it.

7.30pm: Sign off final headlines of Daily Mail, Daily Telegraph, Sun and Times for tomorrow morning.

9pm: Do ‘girl jobs’.

9.15pm: Shower, scrub away shame.

10pm: Stare unblinking at ceiling until sunrise.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Pippa Middleton's wedding DJ mentally prepared for worst night of his life

THE DJ at Pippa Middleton’s wedding is ready for several hours of sheer hell, he has confirmed.

Local disc jockey Tom Logan is getting £250 plus a ‘staff meal’ to play so-called ‘party anthems’ to a crowd of royal freaks, demanding would-be posh people and drunk bankers.

He said: “I need the money, but I’m under no illusions. It is going to be gruesome.

“Normally at these sorts of things you can bang out a bit of charty hip hop during the quiet bit, then chuck on some Abba and Luther Vandross for when everyone’s pissed – job done. But there’s going to be so many knobheads at this thing that I know it won’t be smooth running.

“Within ten minutes someone called Piers will be barking in my war about whether I’ve got anything ‘less fucking shit’ while demanding he plugs his iPhone in so we can hear something from his snowboarding playlist.

“Pippa’s mum has already provided a list of songs that are ‘too common’, which includes anything by Oasis, Black Eyed Peas or Ace of Base.

“Oh well. Wank it out and fuck off.”