Any policy Michael Gove had anything to do with is f**king cancelled, says May

THERESA May has confirmed that Michael Gove’s prison reform, education policies and canteen pass have all been cancelled with extreme prejudice. 

The prime minister yesterday cancelled the flagship prisons policy created when Gove was justice minister, abolished the academies he created as education minister, and sealed his former seat on the front benches in lead until 2116.

She said: “Imagine you’d seen a poisonous frog on your sandwich. Would you eat it?

“If Gove touched it, it’s gone. The old Chief Whip’s whip has been burned, he’s being digitally removed from all photographs, and we’re not running a candidate in Surrey Heath next election. It can fall to fucking UKIP.

“It’s been a nightmare finding people who’d take his old cabinet posts. Liz Truss stepped forward, but she doesn’t get invited to after-work drinks, not these days. She’s tainted.

“He’s going back to writing newspaper columns, I’m told. Don’t read them. That’s how he lays his eggs in your mind.”