Tory MPs begin search for vaguely competent bastard

CONSERVATIVE MPs are hoping to replace Theresa May with someone who is just as cynical and nasty but not really bad at absolutely everything.

Backbenchers confirmed they do not require a leader with worthwhile policies, just one that is not pathologically dysfunctional.

MP Denys Finch-Hatton said: “Ideally we want an unbelievably horrible right-wing bastard, just one with more charisma than a broken Speak & Spell.

“They’ll also need to be a barefaced liar who inevitably gets a much worse deal than we have now but pretends we’ve won the Battle of Waterloo.”

Backbencher Mary Fisher added: “I might stand as Tory leader because I am good at thinking of simplistic analogies.

“For example, ‘The economy is like a big cake, so you don’t want immigrants having any’.”

“I call it ‘Big Cake politics’. I’m a rising star.”