Tory MPs begin search for vaguely competent bastard

CONSERVATIVE MPs are hoping to replace Theresa May with someone who is just as cynical and nasty but not really bad at absolutely everything.

Backbenchers confirmed they do not require a leader with worthwhile policies, just one that is not pathologically dysfunctional.

MP Denys Finch-Hatton said: “Ideally we want an unbelievably horrible right-wing bastard, just one with more charisma than a broken Speak & Spell.

“They’ll also need to be a barefaced liar who inevitably gets a much worse deal than we have now but pretends we’ve won the Battle of Waterloo.”

Backbencher Mary Fisher added: “I might stand as Tory leader because I am good at thinking of simplistic analogies.

“For example, ‘The economy is like a big cake, so you don’t want immigrants having any’.”

“I call it ‘Big Cake politics’. I’m a rising star.”

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Arsehole actually writes on gift bag label

A FRIEND has actually written a personal message on the gift bag containing her pal’s birthday present, confirming herself to be a a total arsehole.

Emma Bradford scribbled ‘Happy 40th Jo, best friends forever xxx’ across the bag’s attached label, guaranteeing that the £3 bag from Clinton Cards can never be used again.

Recipient Joanna Kramer said: “It was a gold shiny one as well. Heartbreaking.

“The moment I saw that gift bag, carefully unfolded and without a single dent that couldn’t be smoothed, I had big plans for it. I was about to thank Emma then I saw the writing and I went cold.

“Everyone knows that most of the time getting a free gift bag to re-use at your leisure is better than the actual gift itself. Especially when the gift is an awful piece of personalised word art that can’t even go back to the shop.

“Not only did she write in the label but she put kisses across the actual bag too. I mean what kind of evil bastard does that?

“Emma’s out of my life for good. Now I’ve got to find a new friend called Jo aged 39 or under so this bag doesn’t go to waste.”