Being completely dependent on China for everything ‘fine’

THE business secretary has confirmed that being dependent on China for steel, energy and all other products is a flawless long-term plan. 

Sajid Javid is planning to put even more of the UK’s vital infrastructure, including education and the NHS, into Chinese hands along with 92 per cent of imports. 

He continued: “In a globalised world it is ridiculous that we are still sourcing most of our meat, vegetables and dairy products from Europe when China can offer them 0.015 per cent cheaper. 

“The Chinese have proved themselves trustworthy guardians of the UK housing market, which is running perfectly, so the sensible move is to hand over full control of everything else. 

“A future in which everything from steel to wood to canned food to clean water is imported on container ships from China is a bright one for Britain.”

Hedge fund manager Julian Cook agreed: “Making things is for dirty people. We don’t want their kind here.”

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Ask Holly: I'm running out of hateful things to say

Dear Holly, 

I’m running out of hateful things to say to make the American people vote for me and I need fresh ideas. I notice Microsoft have some new female representative called Tay who has been doing some really inspirational tweets. Even though she’s a lady, I think we could work together. Should I get my people to speak to her people and set up a face-to-face?



Dear Donald, 

You should follow my granny on Twitter, if you don’t already. She’s got at least 20 followers. She tweets about lots of rubbish stuff like the lovely piece of brisket she got in Tesco, how much she loves Fiona Bruce from Antiques Roadshow and how she’s run out of custard creams. She also occasionally likes to troll George Osborne with vivid and frightening death threats, but she’s promised the police she’ll not do that again.

Hope that helps,