Bellends urged not to vote

BELLENDS across the UK have been urged to not use their vote.

Thousands of complete bellends are planning to vote for stupid reasons such as what someone in a chip shop told them or something that happened to them in a dream.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “There’s a lot of emphasis put on ‘using your vote’. But if you are a bellend, you should not vote. You will only do it wrong.”

However shopkeeper and bellend Roy Hobbs said: “If we don’t vote for May we’ll have the entire Third World living here. That’s not just my opinion, it was on the local radio phone-in Big Chat with Mikey Dee.”

Office bellend Wayne Hayes said: “I might vote for the local joke candidate, Barmy Baron Bumface from the Free Doner Kebabs Party, because that is unbelievably hilarious.”

Nurse Nikki Hollis said: “I went to loads of trouble reading fact-checking websites and articles in The Economist, only to discover my neighbour is basing her vote on ‘asteroids’.

“She says none of the main parties are prepared for a giant asteroid hitting the earth so she’s voting Green.”

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Tory annoyingly not a total monster

A CONSERVATIVE voter has annoyed everyone by not being as evil as they had hoped.

84-year-old Mary Fisher, who lives in a bungalow with a cat, has a track record of being pleasant and helpful, despite liking Theresa May.

Neighbour Roy Hobbs said: “I would love to say she’s a stuck-up Tory cow and class traitor, but she gave me some jam last week and it was really nice.

“It’s annoying really, I wish she would do some evil stuff but she mostly just sits in her greenhouse reading Catherine Cookson books.

“It’s possible she is a bit prejudiced, although that would be pure speculation. To be fair she does sometimes volunteer at the Oxfam shop and they give money to Africa.

“Mary loves Theresa May because she’s ‘sensible’, so I suppose you could attack her grasp of logic.

“But then yesterday I burned my hand pouring petrol on a barbecue so I can’t really take the high ground there either.”