The Mash guide to having a political conversation

DIFFICULT political conversations could happen at any time this week. You will be expected to have opinions, and worse still listen to the opinions of others.

Here’s how to handle it:

– Say there is no difference between any of the parties, then admit you can no longer discern between dogs and cats or night and day and you need help.

– If with left-wingers, begin with “Well I’m not racist,” at which point everyone will immediately shut the conversation down in fear of what you might say next.

– If with right-wingers, say “It’s all very well but what are they doing about litter?”, steering them towards the one issue that truly excites them.

– Claim you are non-political, and vote on basis of how you feel towards a party’s brand or logo.

– Continually and loudly shout over everyone about how important it is to vote, especially for young people, even though they are mostly dicks.

– Ask everyone who their MP is and their voting record, and when they have no idea say “Pretty futile fucking discussion then?” then offer round Nik Naks.

– Confess that you are unable to vote, because you are serving a life sentence for murder.

– Insist that only voters in marginal constituencies take part in these discussions, because whatever anyone else thinks is unreservedly worthless under our current system.

– Big up the Lib Dems.

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Divided nation bonds over Diane Abbott's crapness

FRIENDS and families torn apart by politics are coming together and healing over the crapness of Diane Abbott. 

Across the UK, divides are being bridged by the common belief that it would almost be worth seeing her as home secretary because of how funny it would be. 

Tory voter Roy Hobbs said: “30 years in politics but can’t get through an interview without fucking up. There’s something reassuring about that. 

“It doesn’t give me that sick feeling in my gut I get when I see Theresa May panicking after being asked a few simple questions. It just makes me feel good. And my daughter agrees.”

19-year-old Labour voter Annie Hobbs said: “Me and dad have been arguing a lot recently because he’s a fascist, but when Abbott’s on the telly all that’s forgotten. 

“The whole family gathers around and laughs as a living, breathing caricature of the hard left rears back in righteous indignation at being asked about numbers.” 

She added: “Her and Boris, that’s who we bond over. Then we realise one of them will end up in government and start rowing again.”