Blair discovers centre ground is now a smouldering hole

FORMER prime minister Tony Blair has discovered the centre ground on which he was planning to build his new institute is now a large crater.

What was once a busy, built-up area is now charred, ruined and deserted, occupied only by some confused and bedraggled Liberal Democrat MPs and an Observer columnist waving his fist angrily at the sky.

Visiting the site from which he had hoped to relaunch his political career, Blair said, “Strangely enough it reminds me of the Middle East right now.

“I can see I’m going to have my work cut out if I’m going to match the job I did as Peace Envoy.”

Mr Blair had planned several initiatives as part of his comeback, including a return game of head tennis with England manager Kevin Keegan and a meet and greet session with the up and coming rock group Oasis.

He also planned a seminar on new technology entitled “Why We Must All ‘Dial Up’ And Embrace The Internet.”

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Tories take huge lead in poll that's definitely not wrong like all the other polls were

PEOPLE are continuing to act like polls actually mean something, it has emerged.

With one poll claiming the Conservatives have a seven-point lead over Labour, some people will act like this actually means anything despite the last election, Brexit and Donald Trump.

Plumber Wayne Hayes said: “We’re still being told we should listen to polls, even though they might have been taken under less stringent conditions than the one they use for the results of Family Fortunes.”

Undecided voter, Mary Fisher said: “I was thinking about voting for Labour but then I saw a poll that said Corbyn had no chance of winning.

I thought the election was years away but the poll, which I think is the same one that’s been wrong about everything else for the last five years, seem quite convinced of the result.

It’s almost as if the poll was somehow there to tell me how to vote.”