Owning a National Lottery account worse than having it hacked

YOUR life is already in serious trouble if you have a National Lottery account regardless of whether it gets hacked, experts believe.

After evidence of hacking emerged, Britons have been advised to consider what sort of total and utter loser has an online account to play the fucking lottery.

Cybersecurity expert Martin Bishop said: “There’s a risk of funds being stolen, but that’s nothing compared to wasting your life sitting at a computer losing money on idiotic games called ‘Winstant MegaBalls’.

“I’d advise players to reset their password, but also ask whether joylessly typing numbers into a machine in order to not win anything yet again is worthwhile.

“Buying a physical ticket in a shop is at least a real event with some sense of drama, but playing online is basically like having a tedious data inputting job, except you have to pay to do it.

“Players should give up on the whole stupid thing and do something real and life-enriching like playing with a dog or getting pissed.”

Shop assistant Tom Logan said: “Playing the lottery online leaves me more time to daydream about all the bling crap I’m going to buy, like a diamond-encrusted microwave.

“I hope these bastard hackers haven’t ruined my one in 11,784,430,926 chance of winning.”

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Cafe puts on Fairport Convention to drive out hipsters

A CAFE has started playing Fairport Convention to encourage trendy young professionals to go away.

Mary Fisher, owner of the Demon Bean in Kilburn, took desperate measures after an infestation of laptop-wielding ‘digital nomads’ threatened her business.

She said: “They’d sit there, typing away, not buying anything. I had to take desperate measures, so I put on Liege & Lief by Fairport Convention, the one band it is not possible to like in an ironic way.

“There is nothing remotely cool about Fairport and their sincere evocations of the English folk tradition, combined with equally unfashionable rock elements.”

Freelance digital marketer Francesca Johnson said: “It is impossible to do my job without feeling zeitgeisty, and beardy warbling about fields and blacksmiths is the least zeitgeisty thing on the planet.

“If they got in some nomadic Tuareg synth players to beef it up a bit, I could get behind this. As it stands, it is everything I hate condensed into an earnest, six-minute stomp.

“I bet everyone who likes this voted for Brexit.

“Fortunately, there are another 40,000 cafes in walking distance where I can blog about Italian horror film chic while nursing a single espresso for five hours.”