GARETH Southgate has enjoyed what he will later agree was the happiest day of his stint as England manager.
Southgate beamed broadly and drank in the euphoria as he was appointed to the role yesterday, in the full knowledge that this was as good as it was going to get.
Southgate said: “I loved the pine-fresh smell of a new office, the freshly laundered and ironed blazer, the crisp, pristine wallchart that states that technically England are unbeaten under my management.
“Of course, it’s all going downhill now. We’ll crash out in the knockout stages of the next tournament, with the most memorable images being of a seething Wayne Rooney stomping on someone’s testicles.
“I’ll be compared to a root vegetable, with a photoshopped image of me as a parsnip holding an umbrella.
“After we draw 0-0 with The Faroe Islands I will come to understand why no one, but no one else applied for this job except me.
“Maybe I can get myself sacked for criminal behaviour. I’ll leak to the press that I’ve got an unpaid parking ticket from August.”