Southgate enjoys best moment of reign as England manager

GARETH Southgate has enjoyed what he will later agree was the happiest day of his stint as England manager.

Southgate beamed broadly and drank in the euphoria as he was appointed to the role yesterday, in the full knowledge that this was as good as it was going to get.

Southgate said: “I loved the pine-fresh smell of a new office, the freshly laundered and ironed blazer, the crisp, pristine wallchart that states that technically England are unbeaten under my management.

“Of course, it’s all going downhill now. We’ll crash out in the knockout stages of the next tournament, with the most memorable images being of a seething Wayne Rooney stomping on someone’s testicles.

“I’ll be compared to a root vegetable, with a photoshopped image of me as a parsnip holding an umbrella.

“After we draw 0-0 with The Faroe Islands I will come to understand why no one, but no one else applied for this job except me.

“Maybe I can get myself sacked for criminal behaviour. I’ll leak to the press that I’ve got an unpaid parking ticket from August.”


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Oh shit, Trump taking this seriously

DONALD Trump’s announcement that he will leave his businesses for the presidency has left humanity terrified he is taking the job seriously. 

The tycoon is handing his property empire to his children to be more hands-on in his new role, which is absolutely the last thing anyone wanted.

Eleanor Shaw of Chicago said: “I’ve been clinging to the hope that Trump wasn’t in the least interested in being president and only intended to rip off the country to enrich himself, which was cool considering the alternative.

“But he’s actually going to do this. Be president. Make laws. Decide the future of this nation and the world.

“What happens when he’s presented with a range of options he doesn’t understand any of, which is on day one? Will he pick at random? Attempt to fire the heads of foreign governments?

“You know the only idea Trump has of what presidents do is from watching Independence Day.”

She added: “I hope aliens do invade, that would keep him occupied and then if they defeat humanity, they could take charge. If they have advanced spaceships they’re probably a safe pair of tentacles.”