Boris arranges to be abducted by aliens when Brexit deal goes through

AFTER dodging the Heathrow vote by visiting Afghanistan, Boris Johnson has arranged to be temporarily kidnapped by extra-terrestrials when the Brexit deal is confirmed.

The foreign secretary has negotiated a 20-day UFO trip during which he will be anally probed and forced to mate with an octopus-like creature while avoiding all responsibility for fucking up the economy.

A Foreign Office source said: “Boris knows full well that if he’s here during whatever clotted cream fudge of a Brexit we end up with, he’ll be obliged to oppose it even though he’s come up with exactly zero alternatives.

“But if he’s being held by humanoids from Zeta Minor he gets to dodge a political bullet plus he’ll get to appear on a low-budget Freeview channel documentary about having whirring metal objects put up his arse.”

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How to work in the heatwave

A GUIDE to surviving the heatwave whilst you are technically meant to be doing a job.

Council workman/Builder

It’s surely too hot to work, so just sit around, reading the paper and drinking cups of tea. Then if the boss shows up quickly jump up and look like you’ve been working the whole time. Basically the same as any other working day.

Office worker

They can’t be expecting you to give 100 per cent, not in this heat, surely. The toilet will be the best place to avoid work as you can just sit there watching old cartoons on your phone. When you finally return to the office, hold your stomach and mutter about some bad prawns.

Police officer

Who can be bothered chasing criminals in this kind of heat? Just sit in the police car, turn the air conditioning up and maybe eat a Mint Feast or Solero. If it’s too hot for you to work then it’s definitely too hot for criminals to work.

Heart surgeon

Even in normal-weather operations they have those people who dab your sweaty brow, so just imagine how much dabbing they’d have to do during a heatwave. Most heart operations probably aren’t that urgent anyway, and hospitals are full of beds so simply find an empty one and have a siesta.