Boris arranges to be abducted by aliens when Brexit deal goes through

AFTER dodging the Heathrow vote by visiting Afghanistan, Boris Johnson has arranged to be temporarily kidnapped by extra-terrestrials when the Brexit deal is confirmed.

The foreign secretary has negotiated a 20-day UFO trip during which he will be anally probed and forced to mate with an octopus-like creature while avoiding all responsibility for fucking up the economy.

A Foreign Office source said: “Boris knows full well that if he’s here during whatever clotted cream fudge of a Brexit we end up with, he’ll be obliged to oppose it even though he’s come up with exactly zero alternatives.

“But if he’s being held by humanoids from Zeta Minor he gets to dodge a political bullet plus he’ll get to appear on a low-budget Freeview channel documentary about having whirring metal objects put up his arse.”