Johnson's 'charm' officially runs out

BORIS Johnson’s comic persona is officially past its sell-by date, experts have confirmed.

The Institute for Studies found that Johnson has lost his strange ability to win over voters by talking in Latin and arsing around like a 1920s slapstick comedian.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “This is bad for Johnson because he can no longer rely on idiots to vote for him because he got his head stuck in a bucket.

“He was losing charm anyway because we now know all he cares about is his career, and his constant WW2 references are just embarrassing in front of the grown-ups from the EU.”

Office worker Tom Logan said: “Boris was on TV today but instead of a hilarious buffoon all I saw was a strange middle-aged politician with a look of desperate ambition in his eyes.

“It was so disturbing I had to turn over to Countryfile and try to forget I stupidly voted for Brexit because of this clearly fraudulent twat.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Cutest babies the worst sleepers, scientists confirm

ADORABLE babies wake up screaming far more frequently and loudly than their uglier peers, researchers have found. 

A study of more than a thousand babies up to six months found that the cute ones who get cooed over by strangers are also the ones who make their parents’ lives an utter hell.

Dr Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “This is fantastic news for those parents who have birthed children who look like extras from the Mos Eisley cantina. Plus they’ll probably grow out of it.

“Unfortunately, if you’ve got a newborn who could crawl onto a Huggies ad tomorrow, say goodbye to getting more than an hour’s sleep at a time. They’ll be looking up at you with those big bewitching eyes at 3am for years.

“We believe that this is nature’s way of preventing the parents of babies who do not sleep from giving them to a travelling circus, selling them on eBay or simply handing them to relatives then running away.”

Mother Emma Bradford said: “My six-month-old is just captivating with lovely curls, mesmerising eyes and perfect little cheeks.

“I haven’t slept since the day he was born. I’d swap him for a pig in a basket tomorrow.”