Boris has Marxist column ready to go in case that becomes popular

BORIS Johnson has prepared a magazine article about how great Marxism is, it has emerged.

In the unpublished opinion piece Seizing the Dream, Johnson passionately argues that the time is right for the working classes to take control of factories and execute Alan Sugar.

He writes: “While our children dress in rags, our masters have grown fat and bloated on the toil of the exploited proletariat.

“These greedy fatcats, soaked in the blood of the masses, produce nothing but piffle and hot air, and the day is nigh when the tide of history will dissolve them like lemon sherbert.

“In the words of my political hero Mao Tse-Tung, political power grows out of the barrel of a gun. When the revolution comes, the lickspittles of the ruling elite will be the first against the wall.”

Political analyst Helen Archer said: “This article dates from when Boris was deciding whether to join the Conservatives or the Workers’ Revolutionary Party. 

“He decided to hang onto it in case communism starts to look like the hot meal ticket.”

Boris Johnson said: “I made a persuasive argument for swift and bloody revolution to demonstrate how little I believed it. My hammer-and-sickle tattoo and my senior role in the Class War Party were jolly student pranks.”

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Terrifying headmistress quite prepared to make Scotland re-sit referendum

SCOTLAND must keep re-sitting its referendum until it puts the right answer, according to its headmistress.

The nation has received an angry letter home, addressed to its parents, warning that it may have to do the test again after an extremely disappointing first result.

The letter said: “I know it’s trendy in some teaching circles to talk about there being ‘no right or wrong answer’. That’s not the fucking case here.

“There’s one question, and the answer’s ‘yes’. Or ‘no’, depending on how the question is phrased.

“Anyway I’ll tell you that nearer the time, then you just put your muddy paw print in the correct box.

“Summer holidays are cancelled until we get this right. Also I may have to ban football.”