THE UK is entering a new era of glory or is totally and utterly screwed, experts have confirmed.
Post-Brexit data shows that the economy is either expanding at an incredible rate or collapsing so fast that the UK will be renamed ‘Little China’ by Thursday.
Economist Mary Fisher said: “It’s clear now that Britain will become a world-beating economy or a depressing shithole where people collect bits of wire for a living and only celebrities go to the dentist.
“Buoyant consumer spending could mean the economy is in good shape, or people are just thick bastards who keep buying t-shirts while disaster looms.
“Maybe learn a new high-tech skill like computer programming but also something practical like poaching.”
Sales manager Roy Hobbs said: “I’m not sure what’s happening but if we start the British Empire again I’ll join the navy and be like Russell Crowe in Master and Commander.
“But if it all goes the other way I’ll have a little Punch and Judy show that I carry on my back, wandering between villages entertaining soot-smeared children in return for a meal of stewed fox.”