Boris Johnson searching UK for place he won’t get a boll*cking

THE prime minister is searching the whole of Britain to find a location he can visit without a member of the public tearing him a new ars*hole. 

Boris Johnson has so far been boll*cked in Doncaster, Luxembourg, Morley, Whipps Cross University Hospital, Westminster, Rotherham and Dublin, and experts believe that nowhere is safe.

A Downing Street source said: “He’s alright if he stays indoors and we filter the Facebook comments before they reach him. Otherwise he’s f**ked.

“It’s been a steep learning curve because he’s used to turning up and being fawned over by d**kheads impressed by posh boys and delighted to swallow silly lies.

“However, now he’s actually got to go out and meet some ordinary people, he’s realising that being Prime Minister means a large chunk of the population think you’re a twat and aren’t afraid to say so.

“He can’t go to Scotland because he’s technically illegal there, the North clearly hates him, Wales is far from keen, and even in the Home Counties he gets kicked in the nuts for not being as Brexit as Farage.

“His own home? No, that’ll be no good. That’s where he gets the biggest boll*ckings of all.”