Boris Johnson searching UK for place he won't get a boll*cking

THE prime minister is searching the whole of Britain to find a location he can visit without a member of the public tearing him a new ars*hole. 

Boris Johnson has so far been boll*cked in Doncaster, Luxembourg, Morley, Whipps Cross University Hospital, Westminster, Rotherham and Dublin, and experts believe that nowhere is safe.

A Downing Street source said: “He’s alright if he stays indoors and we filter the Facebook comments before they reach him. Otherwise he’s f**ked.

“It’s been a steep learning curve because he’s used to turning up and being fawned over by d**kheads impressed by posh boys and delighted to swallow silly lies.

“However, now he’s actually got to go out and meet some ordinary people, he’s realising that being Prime Minister means a large chunk of the population think you’re a twat and aren’t afraid to say so.

“He can’t go to Scotland because he’s technically illegal there, the North clearly hates him, Wales is far from keen, and even in the Home Counties he gets kicked in the nuts for not being as Brexit as Farage.

“His own home? No, that’ll be no good. That’s where he gets the biggest boll*ckings of all.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Toddlers into making their parents look like lying w**kers

TODDLERS have confirmed that refusing to do the clever thing they have been doing all week so their parents look like liars is their favourite game. 

Children aged between one and three admitted that they often only learn new skills in order to deny having them when asked.

Two-year-old Bradley Ryan said: “I stacked my blocks in a tower. Mummy was so pleased that I knew it’d be great fun not to, later.

“Sure enough, once Daddy came home she laid out all the blocks and I chewed one, threw another and showed no hint of understanding that they could even go on top of each other.  He went upstairs muttering ‘lying cow’.”

Mum of an two-and-a-half-year-old Nikki Hollis said: “Josh has been reciting the whole alphabet all week but when I took him to playgroup, nothing.

“He just looked at me uncomprehendingly, stuck a toy car up his nose and started shouting ‘poobum’ again. What is the point?”

Josh Hollis said: “In the car home I’m reciting it backwards. Just to spite her.”