Woman talking to baby really talking to baby's mum

A WOMAN is addressing a baby with questions that can only be answered by the baby’s mother. 

Mary Fisher has asked six-month-old Tom Logan if he has been to the park, if he went on the swings and if he had a lovely time even though he is manifestly incapable of replying.

Mother Kate Logan said: “I had to answer. Obviously. But even though I explained that he can’t go on the swings because he’s not yet able to support his neck, in quite an adult manner, she carried on talking to him.

“In her baby voice, she said, ‘I bet you’re tired now aren’t you, little cutie? And are you on your way home?’ before once again waiting for me to reply.

“I mean I’m at home with him all day. I wouldn’t mind a bit of adult conversation. But instead we go through this rigmarole.

“I might learn to throw my voice, then I can use him like a ventriloquist’s dummy and talk to her directly. That’ll shit her up.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Relaxation app needs to chill the f**k out

A SMARTPHONE relaxation app really needs to take a f**king chill pill, users have confirmed. 

The app, downloaded by millions worldwide, cannot just let users get on with their lives for ten minutes without getting in their faces reminding them to meditate or throwing up some quote from the Dalai bloody Lama.

Chef Francesca Johnson said: “I used it for a bit, but when I fell out of the habit it started bombarding me with these passive-aggressive push notifications telling me to stroke a leaf when I’m in the middle of firing someone.

“Now all day long it’s making me dig my phone out for some f**king Zen koan or invitation to centre myself while I’m busy doing sh*t it wouldn’t approve of, like working.

“It actually woke me up at 4am last night to say that poor sleep can have serious health consequences. I feel like I’m being bullied by the ghost of a yoga teacher.”

Johnson confirmed she is having similar issues with a Portugese learning app which has called her a cabra every day since she stopped opening it a month ago.