No pressure but Freshers’ Week must be best week of your life, students told

FIRST-YEAR students have been told to settle in, take things easily and to have the best week of their whole lives or there is something wrong with them. 

Freshers around the UK have been warned that the next seven days should be a non-stop hedonistic thrillride in which they make lifelong friends or their entire investment in university is wasted and they should give up.

University vice-chancellor Susan Traherne said: “Everybody loves Freshers’ Week. It is compulsory.

“Forcing confused, impressionable and horny teenagers living away from home for the first time to spend a full week blitzed on cheap booze is a tradition that is in no way damaging or dangerous.

“Every minute a fresher isn’t downing a filthy combination of spirits while in fancy dress they are damaging their future social status irrevocably. How do they think you get a job in the City?”

Emma Bradford, aged 19, said: “It’s absolutely, definitely the best week of my life and the group of 13 strangers I live with are now all my best mates.

“I definitely didn’t get in at 5am last night and secretly write an essay on Chaucer just to try and remember who I am.”