Brexit debate is absolutely none of your business, MPs tell voters

THE five-day Commons debate on Brexit is nothing to do with you, MPs have confirmed.

Members of parliament stressed the debate over Theresa May’s Brexit deal will focus entirely on arcane points of procedure, ideological foaming at the mouth and political tribalism as its most cynical and pathetic.

Tory MP Julian Cook said: “Everyone who is not directly involved should keep their noses out.

“This is serious politics for serious politicians, not some playground brawl that none of the participants even dimly understands.

“Yes, we’re discussing your future, but what makes you think you’ve got any say in it? Honestly, you’re a baby with a toy steering wheel that thinks he’s driving the pushchair.”

Labour MP Nathan Muir added: “We’ll thrash this out, decide what’s best for us and use our media to persuade you it was your idea all along.

“Now put one of your little shows on the television. The grown-ups are busy.”

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The best winter coats to keep out the creeping dread of Christmas

As well as keeping you warm, a good winter coat can shield you from the endless bullshit of Christmas, especially if you keep the hood up. Here are five of the best.

Duffle coat
Duffle coats should only be worn by children, which means that adult wearers will be protected by an armour of optimistic excitement about the festive season. They will also look like total idiots.

Sequinned bomber jacket
Allows you to disappear into the general tacky, sparkly, naffness of Christmas and therefore it won’t be able to get you. MI6 call it ‘hiding in plain sight’, but probably in relation to more serious matters.

High performance technical raincoat
People who love outdoor clothing are always banging on about taped seams and hydrophobic fabrics that keep out water, so wearing one of these is bound to stop Christmas seeping in, even after prolonged exposure.

A long, black cloak
Are you Dracula, the Grim Reaper or the Ghost of Christmas past? It doesn’t matter really, as you’re so scary and anti-festive that all Christmas bullshit will automatically bypass you.

Ankle length puffer jacket
As it is essentially a duvet, this coat is the sartorial equivalent of going to bed for the whole of Christmas and not getting up again until March.