Brexit marchers demand emergency airdrop from EU

HUNGRY, exhausted Brexit marchers have demanded an emergency airdrop of food, shoes and clothing from the EU if they are to continue. 

The Brexit march, which left Sunderland on Saturday to arrive in London on March 29th, are hopelessly lost in the trackless wastes of the post-industrial North and have signalled that they need aid urgently. 

Marcher Norman Steele said: “Unless we get food before the end of the day, we’ll lose some of the older ones. And when I say older ones I mean 85-plus. 

“We can’t hang around waiting for our government to organise anything. They’re too poor and too far away. But the EU’s only a swift hop over the North Sea and they’re groaning with resources. 

“We need food, preferably pies, waterproof hiking clothes, because a lot of us didn’t believe Project Fear and set out without coats, and ideally some kind of map. 

“We’ve got to reach London on time because that’s when Nigel’s joining us again. And after everything he’s done for us we can’t let him down.” 

He added: “A few crates of aid is the least the bloody EU could do. After all, this whole thing’s entirely their fault.”

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Man guarantees sex will never happen again by calling it 'totes amazeballs'

A MAN has guaranteed that sex is over forever by describing his latest experience as ‘totes amazeballs’.

Tom Booker and his partner were basking in a post-coital glow when he made the declaration and immediately ensured the intercourse would be his last with anyone.

Booker’s former lover Nikki Hollis said: “Looking back, I should have seen it coming. I’d already heard him say something was ‘cray’ and something else was ‘lmao’.

“When he said ‘totes amazeballs’ my ovaries sort of turned off until I’d made my excuses as to why I could never see him again.”

Professor Henry Brubaker from the Institute for Studies said: “The only 100 percent safe method of contraception is abstinence, and the only 100 percent way to ensure abstinence is using phrases like ‘totes amazeballs’.

“This is sad Mr Booker, but good for everyone else.”