Brexit Mount Rushmore to feature carved heads of Jim Davidson, Nigel Farage, Elizabeth Hurley and Ian Botham

A PLANNED Brexit Mount Rushmore to be carved into the white cliffs of Dover will feature Nigel Farage, Elizabeth Hurley, Jim Davidson and Ian Botham.

The Brexiters’ faces, each 70ft high, will be the first thing that greets visitors who arrive in the UK by ferry across the Channel, like they should.

Planner Wayne Hayes, who has made no practical arrangements to turn his idea into reality but fully expects it to happen, said: “I can’t think of four legends who more perfectly sum up the country I live in.

“Nigel, who gave us Brexit. Hurley is sexiest Englishwoman of all time. Davidson, our patriotic jester. And Beefy, the greatest all-round cricketer that ever lived and bloody sensible to boot.

“Who better? And don’t say Clarkson. He’s too jowly for stone.”

Dover resident Nathan Muir said: “Farage is more interested in polishing Donald Trump’s balls, Botham retired 26 years ago, Hurley is the worst English actress of all time and Jim Davidson can’t even get pantomime work.

“Is this who we are as a nation now? Yes it is.”

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Crisps named best street food

THE humble British crisp has beaten banh mi, pulled pork empanadas and slow-cooked beef burritos to be named Best Street Food. 

A panel of independent judges rejected Pad Thai, dim sum, tartiflette and Indonesian Ketoprak in favour of crisps, which can be flavoured like any of the above anyway.

Judge Tom Booker said: “First, they come naturally in a bag and you can eat them one-handed while you’re on the phone. So an early lead.

“You don’t need to wait for them to cool down, you don’t need to put sauce on, if you drop them on your trousers they brush off without leaving a mark, and they’re cheap. Epic win.

“Laksa noodle soup isn’t street food. It’s soup. Soup’s the least street-friendly food there could possibly be.”

Nikki Hollis of Croydon agreed: “Also, you can make crisps in different shapes, like a monster’s foot. I’d like to see bhel puri do that.”