Brexiters set up demented ‘people’s courts’

BREXIT supporters have set up a network of ‘people’s courts’ where justice is based on popular opinion.

Anti-EU Britons’ dissatisfaction with the legal system has led to the creation of makeshift courts dealing with everything from witchcraft to disputes over borrowed garden tools.

Accountant and people’s judge Roy Hobbs said: “The court convenes in my living room, with the legal cases argued by our ‘barristers’ Sandra the local florist and Degsy, an unemployed decorator who’s seen A Few Good Men five times.

“Our biggest case so far has been the legality of Brexit. The court came to the unanimous decision that it is totally brilliant and anyone who disagrees deserves a toe up their arse.

“You can accuse anyone of anything. Last week we dealt with 48 cases of people being shortchanged at the local Sainsbury’s, a French spy and an old lady who put a curse on a horse than made it go lame.

“Punishments range from the stocks for not wearing a poppy to hanging for more serious crimes, such as men having long hair.

“Tomorrow I’ve got the case of a man who’s guilty of liking Nicola Sturgeon. He won’t be spouting his lies when he’s being hit in the forehead by turnips.”

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Hipster dog only likes 80s dog food that you can’t get any more

A DOG hipster will only eat an obscure type of vintage dog food that he enjoys in a semi-ironic way.

Labrador Wayne Hayes refuses to eat normal dog biscuits, preferring a discontinued American 80s brand of dog food called Chunkiez that his owners have to buy off the internet at vast expense.

Hayes said: “I’m all about Chunkiez Beefy Mix because the box they come in has such a cool design aesthetic. It just speaks to my vibe.

“I realise it’s £17 a box because they stopped making it in 1984 and there’s only one warehouse in Canada that has stock, but like everything in my life it’s paid for by my parents.”

Hayes, who also claims to like postmen and fireworks, reckons he is friends with all the working class bull terriers at his local park even though they growl at him whenever he approaches.