Brexiting illegal

ANYONE caught Brexiting will go to prison, the Supreme Court has ruled.

Following orders from their European paymasters, judges declared that anyone Brexiting, attempting to Brexit or conspiring to commit Brexit will face a minimum 10 years’ imprisonment plus confiscation of all their property. 

A curfew will also be imposed from 9pm this evening, after which anyone speaking English, using imperial measurements or wearing any two colours from red, white or blue may be detained indefinitely. 

Remain campaigner Nathan Muir said: “Finally, some common sense.

“I wish this wasn’t necessary, but the good-natured continental tolerance of we Remainers has been stretched too far and it’s time to set some examples. 

“Technically parliament could defy them, but it’ll just go along with the lobbyists rather than respect any democratic decision, and if it didn’t the judges would have it dissolved anyway. So everything’s fine again.” 

Roy Hobbs of Stoke-on-Trent said: “Give me Brexit or give me death. Well, hold off on the death. There’s some stuff I need to post on Facebook first.” 

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Fog confirmed as most pointless weather type

FOG has been confirmed as the most pointless weather thing.

Unlike sunshine, rain or even wind, the hazy atmospheric event serves no purpose other than making it quite hard to see.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Everything in the natural world seems to fit into sort some of system whereas fog is just a pain in the arse.

“Without sun or rain life would be extinguished. Wind distributes pollen and helps disperse bad smells.

“Sleet is a lame snow-rain hybrid but you can sort of see where its coming from.

“Fog? Fuck knows. Maybe it exists to make graveyards look creepy at night.”