Britain to make f**king awful decision

THE UK is on its way to the polling station to make a decision it is certain it will regret. 

The country, which has been making unappealing and disastrous decisions like this since at least 2005, actually believes this one to be the worst yet.

Voter Eleanor Shaw said: “It’s not just that the choice is bad, though it is dreadful. It’s that it bears no relation to what you’ll actually get.

“Like last time I voted Cameron, at the least I thought I’d get Cameron. Shit but safe. Instead I got a mad-eyed germophobe demanding a Brexit that can slice steel.

“I voted to leave the EU a little bit and we’re crashing out of everything, I voted Clegg and got a pet Clegg, and every single time it’s like but all the other options also sucked.

“In a year I’ll be going ‘Why did I do that? Why?’ but voting’s about getting it wrong, isn’t it? That’s half the fun.”

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Boris chews through masking tape that has silenced him for last fortnight

BORIS Johnson has finally chewed through the masking tape that has sealed his mouth in the run-up to the election.

Johnson, who was bound and gagged by fellow Tories after his last gaffe in a Sikh temple, is now audible again and may even manage a major calamity before the end of the day.

Johnson’s handler Julian Cook said: “As soon as he got the tape off he called someone a ‘Grumbulber’.”

We don’t know what it is but we can only assume it’s some old school derogatory term that hasn’t been used for a couple of centuries.”

A Tory insider said: “We just hope he doesn’t get the leg and arm-binding ropes off before tomorrow morning.”

Any time after that and he’s your problem, not ours.”