Britons set out for historic vote on Europe before realising they’ve got the wrong day

VOTERS are heading to polling stations to decide if the nation will stay in the EU, before discovering that one is next month. 

Across Britain, voters are ready to make a decision that will shape the country’s future for decades to come only to find that they have not paid enough attention.

Passionate pro-Brexit campaigner Norman Steele said: “What the fuck is a police and crime commissioner?

“I come down here in my Union Jack waistcoat to reclaim our country’s freedom from the iron grip of the EUSSR and they give me this shit?

“I’ve got no idea who to vote for. Whichever one is for more police and less crime. Oh, all of them. Great.”

Mary Fisher of Dudley said: “So it’s only local elections? Because it’s taken me ages to make up me mind, so I really need to vote pro-Europe now before I forget.

“If I just write ‘Yes to EU’ in the boxes, can they carry mine over to next month? I don’t want to have to do this twice.”

A spokesman for the Election Commission said: “Today’s elections for meaningless posts like the Welsh Assembly will hopefully winnow out those voters too stupid or confused to contribute to important decisions.

“Everyone else, we’ll see you on June 23rd.”

Non-Londoners don’t listen to podcasts because they are not constantly bored and lonely

PODCASTS are not listened to outside London because people there have friends, research has discovered. 

A research team looking into the inexplicable rise in popularity of some people talking in a room found it was inextricably linked with spending four hours on trains every day while hating everyone. 

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies, said: “At first we assumed the popularity of podcasts lay in their content. An idiot’s mistake. 

“After more than 11,200 hours logged listening to strangers discussing football and video games, we were still baffled. 

“It was only when a junior researcher howled ‘You’d have to be out of your mind with loneliness and boredom to enjoy these fucking things!’ that we realised: London. 

“Turns out when you’re doing 16 hours a week locked underground and live with people you hate, a podcast is the best friend you’ll ever have.” 

Brubaker added: “They’re also big with prisoners in solitary confinement.”

Londoner Nikki Hollis said: “I love podcasts. They remind me of my youth in Leeds, when I used to speak to people. 

“I do my own, about living and working in London, but it’s just an hour of me screaming.”