Britons to milk EU divorce like sad-eyed children

THE British people are planning to demand a pony, an iPad and a trip to Disney World if the EU divorce gets any nastier, they have confirmed.

As the Brexit negotiations increasingly resemble a particularly toxic and dysfunctional marriage breakdown, the UK public have decided to rinse their authority figures for the things they have always wanted.

Nikki Hollis of Colchester said: “We know we’re not going to get anything constructive out of this shit show, like a decent economy or food security, so we’re going to play up until we get cool stuff.

“I’ve asked for Little Mix tickets and my husband wants a 4K telly, and if we don’t get them we’re going to act like we’re suffering psychological damage and need some one-to-one time. At a Little Mix concert.

“We’ll end up living with the UK, but we’ll prey on its insecurities by saying the EU lets us do fun stuff like staying up late drinking wine, then start crying out of nowhere to really hammer the guilt button until we get a Nintendo Switch.

“But we have to act now. Neither of them will have any money left when it’s over.”