Britons to milk EU divorce like sad-eyed children

THE British people are planning to demand a pony, an iPad and a trip to Disney World if the EU divorce gets any nastier, they have confirmed.

As the Brexit negotiations increasingly resemble a particularly toxic and dysfunctional marriage breakdown, the UK public have decided to rinse their authority figures for the things they have always wanted.

Nikki Hollis of Colchester said: “We know we’re not going to get anything constructive out of this shit show, like a decent economy or food security, so we’re going to play up until we get cool stuff.

“I’ve asked for Little Mix tickets and my husband wants a 4K telly, and if we don’t get them we’re going to act like we’re suffering psychological damage and need some one-to-one time. At a Little Mix concert.

“We’ll end up living with the UK, but we’ll prey on its insecurities by saying the EU lets us do fun stuff like staying up late drinking wine, then start crying out of nowhere to really hammer the guilt button until we get a Nintendo Switch.

“But we have to act now. Neither of them will have any money left when it’s over.”

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62-year-old woman confused by crush on Noel Fielding

A MATRONLY Bake Off fan is questioning everything she knew about herself after realising she is attracted to a man who dresses like a lady.

Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistress from Guildford, originally found Fielding scruffy but soon found herself so smitten she could not wait to see him again.

She said: “I’d never watched Channel 4 after 5pm before Bake-Off changed channels, because I thought it was dangerous. How right I was.

“That beguiling creature, like a baby giraffe wearing the stubbled chin of a man but the lustrous lashes and shapely limbs of a girl, has touched me in ways I did not know I could be touched.

“I want to scrub him clean and set him right, I want to take him dress-shopping, I want him to scandalise my book group by kissing me after a thoroughgoing discussion of Middlemarch, I want him to do me proper over my tombola stall.

“I yearn to tear him away from the predatory claws of Prue Leith and to keep him caged like a goth canary.

“To think I used to like Paul Hollywood. He seems so vanilla now.”