Brown Backs 24-Hour Super-Musuems

PRIME minister Gordon Brown has thrown his weight behind a series of huge 24-hour super-musuems to regenerate Britain's deprived urban areas.

The Prime Minister has abandoned the Blair government's plans for Las Vegas-style casinos and condemned gambling as "the enemy of self-improvement".

Instead he believes that run-down areas will reap massive economic benefits from round-the-clock museums, many of which will have their own libraries.

Mr Brown told MPs: "I want to see weeks and weeks of exhibitions dedicated to the early lives of the great Chartists.

"I want the wastelands of Manchester and Birmingham to be redeveloped as interactive learning centres, celebrating the repeal of the Corn Laws.

"And what could be more fun after a hard day at work than a guided tour of Keir Hardie's favourite lamp-posts?"

Mr Brown said he may eventually agree to a small amusement arcade, but only if it is run by the Co-op and includes a fruit machine based on the Great Reform Act of 1832.

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Vegetarians' Gas Now 'Biggest Cause Of Global Warming'

VEGETARIANS are being urged to eat each other after it emerged their own gas was now the major cause of global climate change.

New research by the Vegetarian Society shows vegetarian emissions are responsible for more than 80 per cent of the most potent greenhouse gasses.

The Society is telling its members to start eating themselves immediately or they will kill all life on the earth “with their wind”.

Dr Stephen Malley, head of research at the society, said: “Vegetarian gas is a particularly harmful emission fuelled by an explosive mixture of lentils, mung beans and sawdust.

“You sit in a vegetarian restaurant and see a kindly old man in sandals quietly letting a stinky one off in the corner, I see a planet killing machine.

“It is no exaggeration to say that we are being killed by the mass effluence of trendy westerners.”

Dr Malley said the society had abandoned its policy of urging people not to eat cows after they realised that not eating them would not actually make them go away, and that cow farts were not that potent anyway.

He said: “Given the choice of standing behind a giant masticating cow and a giant masticating woman who has just eaten a tofu burger, I know where I'd rather be.”

Celebrity vegetarians have already pledged their support, with Paul McCartney promising to eat as many vegetarians as he can, starting with his estranged wife Sir Heather Mills.