Brown Makes Arse Of New Thing

GORDON Brown continued his political fightback last night by somehow finding a brand new thing to make an arse of.

The deputy prime minister had hoped to restore confidence in his leadership by announcing a full public inquiry into the Iraq War, but changed his mind at the last minute and decided to make a total arse of it instead.

The arseing of the Iraq war inquiry follows hard on the heels of Labour's catastrophic election results and the worst cabinet reshuffle since Gladstone put Gilbert and Sullivan in charge of the Navy in 1884.

And it come just weeks after Mr Brown made a surprisingly comprehensive backside of attempting to reform MPs' expenses, even by his standards.

Junior minister Bill McKay insisted: "Gordon faced a real dilemma. Do you have an inquiry in private that makes it just look as if you care? Or do you have an inquiry in public, accompanied by six months of daily headlines about how the Labour Party is filled to brim with evil, warmongering liars? It's a tricky one."

But Labour backbencher Julian Cook said: "It's actually not that difficult to make decisions that are both popular and the right thing to do.

"The thing about the Iraq War was that it was based on a series of murky decisions made in secret. So it would be an idea to make sure the inquiry into it is at least vaguely unmurky and very much not in secret. But no."

Mr Cook added: "As arseings go it's on a par with the election that never was and could even be up there with the absolute, balls-out fuck-up that was the abolition of the 10p rate of income tax.

"I really thought we'd have to wait until after the summer holidays before he got hold of a new thing and reconfigured it into the shape of a pair of big fat hairy buttocks. He's some guy."

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Murray Cruises To Historic, Charmless Victory

ANDY Murray last night set his sights on a bitter, foul-mouthed victory at Wimbledon after cruising to a charm-free win at Queen's.

Murray's historic triumph came after a series of wins over people you've never heard of, as Rafael Nadal recovered from injury and 48 year-old Roger Federer drank champagne from his French Open trophy.

The first home-grown player to win the Queen's Club tournament in 71 years, Murray's victory means he is now the 35th most popular tennis player amongst British fans, behind Nadal, Federer, Roddick, the Argentinian guy and an assortment of surly Eastern European types.

Acknowledging the dozens of spectators who mumbled their lack of outright hatred, the UK number one was in unusually chatty form during his post-match interview, even going so far as to say 'thank you' to a visibly damp Sue Barker.

Publicist Nikki Hollis said: "Hardly anybody has called him a piss-faced Scottish git all day. Hopefully this historic win will lead to a visible reduction in the number of shoe boxes filled with human poo.

"You see, Andy's problem is that people just want a tennis player they can like for two weeks a year. They don't care about the actual tennis. They've got lives and stuff.

"Tim Henman was perfect. Girls could imagine losing their virginity to him after a school dance and boys could imagine spending a fun-packed weekend with him at Lake Windermere. Or vice versa.

"And he was very popular with women of a certain age. I once propped a Henman mask on a fence post overnight and the next morning there were three 50 year-old women from Buckingham offering it cups of tea and humping it furiously."

Hollis said she was now looking for new sponsorship deals for Murray, adding: "Finding the right company is difficult as it needs to reflect Andy's charmless yet relatively successful persona. We're thinking Ryanair or maybe a firm of rat catchers."