Brown Suffering From Recession, Say Docs

According to experts at the Institute for Studies Mr Brown is showing clear signs of the illness includingtension, anxiety and an insatiable desire to continually blame everything on Americans.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: "He has character traits that make him particularly prone to becoming recessed.

"These include chronic introversion and an underlying paranoia, as well as using billions of pounds of other people's money to buy votes and spending 10 years telling bankers they could do whatever the fuck they wanted to."

The professor said the symptoms can become so acute that the patient sees or hears things that are not there, such as economic recovery by the fourth quarter of 2009.

And he claimed the prime minister's condition had now reached the stage where other people could become recessed simply by listening to his voice or looking at his face.

Professor Brubaker added: "I became particularly concerned last week when the prime minister flew to Egypt, took all his clothes off, jumped into the Nile and stood there waist deep in the water before announcing to a group of puzzled farmers that he was not in the Nile."

"I turned to my wife and said, 'you know what Elsie, whether he likes it or not, that is a man who is clearly in the Nile'."

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Angry Parents Forced To Spend Six Hours Tobogganing

PARENTS reacted angrily yesterday after it was revealed they had been forced to spend all day with their children for no reason.

Thousands of schools remained shut despite improving weather conditions, leaving millions of parents standing in the freezing cold at the top of a slight incline, wishing they were dead.

Tom Logan, a Croydon estate agent, said he was unable to arrange emergency childcare adding: "I even tried the foul-smelling Scotsman outside the off licence who stands there all day shouting 'fuck you' at parked cars.

"Unfortunately he was really busy, so I got the sledge out of the attic and repeatedly dragged my daughter up a small hill.

"From the top I could see the pub where all the single people with no kids were having an unexpected mid-week skinful. They looked so cosy and pissed.

"After about six hours I could take no more, so we went home and spent the rest of the day watching Barney videos. Big fat purple twat."

But Julian Cook, a head teacher from Birmingham, defended the closure of his school, adding: "It's my round, what are you having?

"They do a lovely Rioja, here taste it. You see what I mean? Very quaffable. And, I'm sure you'll agree, much better then being stabbed in the bollock with a compass by some 12 year-old shit."

Meanwhile the London transport system is today expected to return to its normal service of soul-destroying inconsistency.