GORDON Brown dismissed claims of bullying last night and threatened to ruin the life of anyone who says different.
As Christine Pratt, the chief executive of the National Bullying Helpline, said the prime minister was a psycho, Mr Brown stressed it would be very difficult to run a helpline when all your phones have been cut off and your jaw is wired shut.
A Labour source said: "Ed Balls is already feeding all kinds of interesting facts about her to the Daily Mirror. Did you know she's a former member of the Real IRA who used to beat up Macmillan nurses in her spare time?
"And of course if that doesn't work we'll just get Alistair Campbell to take her out for a nice cup of coffee and show her a photograph of David Kelly."
Earlier Lord Mandelson appeared on BBC1's Andrew Marr Reads the Papers to defend Mr Brown and insisted the heavy bruising around his eyes and mouth had been caused by foolishly placing his head in the way of a flying laptop computer.
And on Saturday Mr Brown told Channel Four's Krishnan Guru-Murthy that he had never hit anyone in his life, before asking the interviewer where he lives and what time he usually gets home from work.
But despite fresh evidence of Mr Brown's raging psychosis, weekend polls show Labour closing the gap on the Tories as around one third of the country insisted Mr Brown had been under a lot of pressure recently and that it was really their fault for getting him so angry.
A Downing Street spokesman said: "Some weeks he's Spiderman and other weeks he is his own arch-nemesis, Doctor Octopus. It would appear we are in the midst of an octopus week."
Meanwhile Piers Morgan is to follow up his landmark interview with Mr Brown by asking Serbian general Ratko Mladic why he is so clever and how many dolly birds he pumped at university.