Budget to focus on growth, jobs and old, greedy bastards tempted to vote UKIP

GEORGE Osborne has hinted that today’s Budget will be for business, growth and vile pensioners who want lots of free stuff.

In his last Budget before the election, the chancellor is expected to unveil a series of targeted measures to stop millions of greedy old people voting with their horrible, xenophobic gut.

The chancellor said: “For every immigrant you think is trying to kill you, I will give you one of these brand new pound coins.

“Every time you are disappointed by a garden centre cafe – that’s another pound coin.

“And every time you see ‘some manky little tart, prancing down the high street like she owns the place’, that’s two pound coins and a voucher for something that will keep for at least a month.”

Osborne added: “Nigel Farage is married to a German.”

Meanwhile, the Budget will also include a key statement on oil revenues designed to make the SNP look idiotic.


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Orville is UK's national bird

BRITAIN’S national bird is Orville, the ultimately unsuccessful duck.

The 1980s green nylon avian toddler won 92 percent of the votes in a nationwide poll, with the remaining votes split between funkypigeon.com, the twitter logo and a roast chicken.

Organiser Roy Hobbs said: “Orville symbolises our national desire to fly way up to the sky even though we obviously cannot. And, perhaps, should not.

“And, like the average Briton, he has a fat little body, feeble, pointless limbs, glassy, lifeless eyes, incontinence pants, a man’s hand up his bottom and a small orange beak.”