Britain to get lessons in things you obviously shouldn’t do

BRITONS are to receive coaching in how not to do things that are clearly wrong.

After some judges were sacked for forgetting not to watch pornography at work, everyone in the UK will be visited by an expert who is trained to spot really obvious things.

Life coach Donna Sheridan said: “I’ll be getting people to ask themselves challenging questions like ‘As a teacher, should I be teaching children or giving them wine and having sex with them?’.

“Alternatively I might visit a police station to explain they’re meant to solve crimes rather than just ignore them if it seems like a lot of hassle.

“It won’t just be workplace issues. I’ll be explaining to 60 year-old divorcees that their Gambian toyboys may not be entirely motivated by romantic love.”

Surgeon Denys Finch Hatton added: “Apparently I’m not supposed to be taking naked pictures of my female patients while they’re unconscious.”

 

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Britain celebrates St Hangover's Day

BRITAIN is marking St Hangover’s Day with shivering bouts of vomiting.

The holiday takes place after St Patrick’s Day and was first observed in 1517 when Mary Tudor was convinced the hogshead of mead she got for her 21st birthday was tainted with plague.

When she rallied the following afternoon she declared it St Hangover’s Day, suggesting that people use the time for quiet reflection and convincing themselves they are having a heart attack.

Theologian Roy Hobbs said: “St Hangover was a French priest and friend of Joan Of Arc, who he once went on a three-day sesh with to celebrate her 18th.

“He was known for his quick temper, crippling headaches and piercing, bloodshot eyes.”

Jane Thompson, who prays to St Hangover while holding two large paracetamol, said: “Blessed Saint, I beseech you make these precious tablets do their goodly works before my fucking head explodes.”