OLD people must bear the burden of the top rate tax cut because they are so good at it, George Osborne has insisted.
The chancellor said he took money from OAPs and give it to millionaires because they are always going on about how they can cope with hardship so much better than the younger generation.
Defending his weird, asocial Budget, Mr Osborne said: “At a time of sacrifice, it is only right that those sacrifices are made by people with lots of practice.
“It would be unfair to expect the shallow, vapid rich or bubble-wrapped middle class professionals under 50 to suddenly develop some character.
“If I had increased taxes for wealthy, spineless people they would be crying in the street and embarrassing everyone.
“Older people have been wise enough to build-up valuable reserves of fortitude so that they now have the decency to weep in the privacy of their own home.”
He added: “Meanwhile, poor people are wonderful characters who shake off their misfortune with a joke and a dirty song. I could make life a lot easier for them but I would be hacking away at the very foundations of British folk music.”
Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistress from Guildford, said: “Personal allowances? I shit ’em. You’ll have to do better than that you pointless little fart.”
Mr Osborne said he will tax rich people when they stop consoling themselves with luxury goods every time they feel a bit sad.