Cameron announces tough sanctions against London

THE prime minister is to impose sanctions on Russia’s wealthiest city, London.

The capital, which is home to the majority of Russia’s oligarchs and the eight million people who exist only to serve them, will be hit with a ban on luxury imports, a freeze on bank accounts, and stringent restrictions on business-related murders.

David Cameron said: “Once they find themselves driving year-old Mercedes, their wives dressed in last season’s couture, unable to buy bad sculptures and eating caviar smuggled into the city via anal balloon, they’ll soon crack.”

The sanctions would stop football clubs Arsenal and Chelsea from buying anything but the lowest-grade homegrown players and reduce the Evening Standard to nothing but a disposable freesheet for hiding commuter erections.

Critics have argued that sanctions will hit the ordinary people of London hardest, but Cameron stressed they should not have been complicit in a corrupt regime responsible for countless human rights abuses.

The prime minister, himself a known associate of the oligarchs, was then forced to hand in his passport and enter 10 Downing Street where he will remain under house arrest.

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Prosecco is top blackout juice

EVERYBODY is getting wasted on Prosecco this year, supermarkets have confirmed.

Traditionally consumed by Italians as a springtime aperitif, the sparkling wine has become the fast track to lightly sparkling oblivion for millions of UK drinkers.

Wine expert Francesca Johnson said: “Prosecco is great for when the sun’s out and you want to get wrecked in the day without feeling like a tramp.

“You can have six or ten glasses in a session because it’s a light fun drink.

“Sometimes my friends and I laugh so much that we feel dizzy and vomit down our fronts.”

Joanna Kramer of Brighton said: “The bubbles get you drunker, especially if you neck it fast, and after three bottles I was already finding myself places with no clear idea of how I got there.

“Perhaps it makes you teleport.”

Prosecco fan Stephen Malley said: “I woke up this morning in the garden, a four-inch cut on my forearm from where I punched the glass of the back door out trying and failing to get in the house.

“I chuckled to myself and said ‘Oh, that cheeky Prosecco’.”