THE prime minister is to impose sanctions on Russia’s wealthiest city, London.
The capital, which is home to the majority of Russias oligarchs and the eight million people who exist only to serve them, will be hit with a ban on luxury imports, a freeze on bank accounts, and stringent restrictions on business-related murders.
David Cameron said: Once they find themselves driving year-old Mercedes, their wives dressed in last seasons couture, unable to buy bad sculptures and eating caviar smuggled into the city via anal balloon, theyll soon crack.
The sanctions would stop football clubs Arsenal and Chelsea from buying anything but the lowest-grade homegrown players and reduce the Evening Standard to nothing but a disposable freesheet for hiding commuter erections.
Critics have argued that sanctions will hit the ordinary people of London hardest, but Cameron stressed they should not have been complicit in a corrupt regime responsible for countless human rights abuses.
The prime minister, himself a known associate of the oligarchs, was then forced to hand in his passport and enter 10 Downing Street where he will remain under house arrest.