Cameron book stuns with revelation that Johnson and Gove are twats

DAVID Cameron’s memoir has left the nation reeling with the revelation that Boris Johnson and Michael Gove are a pair of twats.

Britons fear their minds may explode while reading Cameron’s book For the Record because of its shocking claims about their most beloved political heroes.

After reading an excerpt in the Times, teacher Mary Fisher said: “Michael Gove has always been a hero of mine, as well as representing the ultimate sexual prize. However Cameron’s book portrays him as a duplicitous little freak.

“Apparently Johnson’s a twat too. That’s more mental than all the Matrix films combined.

“This literary dynamite should have a sticker on it saying ‘Warning: Contains truth bombs’.”

Meanwhile, charity shops have already warned that they cannot accept copies of the book.

An Oxfam spokesman said: “I predict a few hundred of these might turn up on a lorry. The answer is no.”

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How to waste your 'me time'

FINALLY wrangled yourself some time alone? Follow our handy guide to wasting it and then feeling like right f*cking idiot afterwards.

Give yourself a really ambitious to do list
You can definitely achieve everything on this list. While yesterday you were crap, today you are going to be miraculously capable of achieving a vast amount. Oh, hang on – no, you’re just the same f*cking useless twat you were yesterday. Better watch Friends.

Drift about aimlessly
The time will last forever. There’s so much of it! Look, some chocolate to snack on. Hmm. Must measure that alcove and look online for an Ikea cupboard that might fit. Five hours have slipped through your fingers, and you will never get them back. You could have watched Friends while browsing.

Decide to go for a run
You will go for a run. Definitely. You just need to find your trainers and jogging bottoms. You need music, too. Your phone is out of battery. You can’t possibly run without music, it would feel like cross country at school when you could just hear your own hideous, ragged breathing. How about a soothing yoga video instead? Oh, look. Friends.

Sort out your ISA
This has been on your list for ages because your current interest rate is f*cking rubbish and it should be easy, you just have to find that what your User ID was, because you can reset the password but not the User ID. There was a letter somewhere from 2013 and – actually, maybe you should just watch an episode of Friends first.

Feel Guilty
Sit immobile on the edge of the bed, recalling the hurt expressions on your family’s face when you said you needed time alone. Wrangle with the guilt for a bit, then get under the duvet for a little sob. Unless instead you fancy watching nice, happy Friends.

Conclusion
Don’t get out of bed, just watch Friends. But an early one, back when Chandler was skinny, Phoebe was funny and the whole, entire world was not quite so f*cked. Look: it’s the one where they lose the monkey!