Cameron gets injections for trip to Scotland

DAVID Cameron has demanded ‘all the jabs going’ ahead of a trip to Scotland.

A source at the prime minister’s doctor’s office said: “He wanted the injections for smallpox, diptheria, scarlet fever and ‘anything you can get from human bites’.

“I had to tell him there wasn’t a jab for alcoholism.”

A Downing Street spokesman said: “It is part of the prime minster’s duties that he visits countries in the developing world.

“Inevitably many of the locals are quite infectious and he cannot take chances with his health, especially in Scotland where the only medicine they have is whisky.”

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Pfizer promises to share its personal stash

PFIZER has announced that if its takeover of AstraZeneca goes ahead it will let everyone try the special drugs it normally keeps for itself.

If it is allowed to buy the British company, Pfizer says it will share the drugs it keeps in a bin bag stuffed behind a water tank in the loft of its New York headquarters.

Pfizer spokesman Stephen Malley said: “Basically if everyone stops going on about job losses, we’ll give everyone in the UK some of the drugs we keep for our own recreational use.

“I’m not talking about boring old medical drugs like Xanax or Viagra, I’m talking primo shit like Blisstopia 1138, Hallucinogasm and Mindfuck-X.

“I’d recommend them to anyone who’s wondered what it’s like to be a 1,000-foot space dragon made out of cosmic energy having an 11-hour orgasm after being sucked off by Angelina Jolie who is also God, Buddha and Ra.”

Pfizer employees are known to enjoy ‘drugs Fridays’ where the team celebrates the end of the week by taking free experimental hallucinogens.

Members of the public said they were deeply concerned about British scientists being made redundant, but some drugs would probably take their minds off it.

Office manager Donna Sheridan said: “I think Pfizer should make all drugs, not just the legal ones.

“Then I could get my cocaine from Boots knowing it had been delivered in a lorry rather than someone’s arse. Also I’d get a load of points on my loyalty card.”