DAVID Cameron’s aides have spent the day fielding thousands of offers to buy ten seconds alone with him.
With the going price for an audience with the Prime Ministerbot calculated at approximately £70 per second, people have been raiding their savings and pondering what words they will use during each expensive moment.
Carlisle taxi driver Wayne Hayes said: “I had £500 set aside for a holiday but I reckon I’d rather spend it on the seven seconds needed to call him a shiny-faced suit full of piss.
“If I finish a couple of seconds early I can always just flick him the Vs until my time runs out.”
The garden of Number 10 will now be fitted with a PM podium in front of a moving walkway, which will be set at variable speeds depending on people’s appointment length to ensure the maximum number of donors get to have their allotted time hurling insults through the plexiglass screen.
One Tory aide said: “It’s going to be like an extremely abusive but extremely lucrative version of the conveyor belt on The Generation Game.
“Imagine if the cuddly toy kept calling Brucie a mealy-mouthed sack of twat and you get the idea.”
To ensure transparency in paying for access to Tory politicians, the party have produced a price guide, with £50,000 guaranteeing a donor the opportunity to give Michael Gove a dead leg.