Cameron launches Little Society

DAVID Cameron has unveiled his vision for the Little Society, consisting of the residents of Chipping Norton.

The stated aims of the Little Society are to devolve power from the state and put it back in the hands of the prime minister’s local community.

It will also include odd-job man Roy Hobbs and his wife, the Camerons’ cleaning lady.

Mr Cameron denied that their inclusion was merely token: “The Hobbs’s play a very important role. It is their job to do all the work.”

Mr Hobbs’s first job was to build a massive wall around Chipping Norton, with strategically-placed gun turrets.

Mr Cameron said: “We’re empowering the villagers to kill anyone who tries to get in. How they do that is up to them, they could use machine guns or boiling hot chip fat.

“We’re all in this siege mentality together.”

Early casualties of the Little Society include deputy prime minister Nick Clegg, who received a fatal crossbow wound while attempting to scale the wall using a makeshift ladder made of twigs.

The prime minister said Clegg’s death could only strengthen the coalition.

 

 

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Celebrity Big Brother housemates all ghosts apart from Rylan

CHANNEL 5 has revealed that this year’s Celebrity Big Brother contestants are all ghosts, except for Rylan.

Producers had hoped to keep the surprise twist a secret, but it was revealed to viewers after Toadfish walked through a wall on his way to the toilet.

A Channel 5 spokesman said: “The housemates, apart from Rylan, passed away in accidents but are unable to ‘move on’ until they’ve achieved another tabloid front page. However they don’t know that they’re spirits.

“You’ll notice Frankie Dettori thinks he survived a plane crash. Likewise Paula Hamilton has described swerving her car to avoid a deer and that American couple believe they narrowly avoided a fatal bear attack.

“If Rylan guesses they’re ghosts they will all vanish into thin air and he gets the prize money.”

Rylan’s suspicions about his housemates’ spectral origins grew last night after he noticed some ectoplasm on Frankie Dettori’s duvet.

The spokesman said: “We thought he’d assume Frankie had been self-pleasuring but Rylan is pretty astute on the subject of manly secretions.”

Viewer Nikki Hollis said: “This new supernatural format has really gotten me back into CBB.

“It’s like watching a James Herbert book, except the hero is a flamboyant homosexual instead of a surly middle-aged man with corduroy elbow patches.”