'Civil Servants' 'Exaggerated' 'Case' Against Damian Green

MINSTERS made up a load of lies to try and get Tory frontbencher Damian Green arrested, it has been claimed.

In a report filled with invisible apostrophes, a committee of MPs accused 'senior civil servants' of 'exaggerating' the 'threat' to 'national security' from leaks of secret Home Office documents.

Mr Green, the shadow immigration minister, and Christopher Galley, a junior Home Office official, were arrested last November following high-profile police raids which raised concerns that Gordon Brown had finally gone completely schizoid.

But the MPs' report, released today, said that 'frustration' by 'officials' may have led them to give an 'exaggerated impression' of the 'threat'.

It added that it was 'unhelpful' to give the police the 'impression' the Home Office leaks had already caused 'considerable damage' to 'national security'.

Political translator Dr Tom Logan, of Reading University, said: "A lot of these reports can be quite tricky to decipher because it's not always obvious where the invisible apostrophes are supposed to go, but this one is fairly straightforward.

"For instance, this first paragraph basically says, 'Sheer desperation and wickedness by the Labour Party led them to pressure civil servants into making up some bullshit in a bid to make the Tories look soft on national security'.

"It then goes on to say, 'We can't prove it, but we know what you did, you lying sacks of shit. You made a total arse of this and you better just hope that everyone keeps their fucking mouths shut'."

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Ofcom Launches Nipple Probe

OFCOM, the broadcasting watchdog, is to launch a full-scale inquiry into televised nipples, it emerged last night.

The regulator said it was deeply concerned after more than 38 people complained about almost seeing some nipples on the ITV talent show Britain's Just Awful.

Angry viewers contacted the channel after 35 year-old contestant Fabia Carrera removed her clothes to reveal a pair of tassels covering what experts said were almost certainly nipples of the female persuasion.

A spokesman said: "Of the 39 complaints, 34 were from people who feel that nipples are inappropriate, especially when perched precariously at the out-most extremities of a female bosom.

"The remaining five were from men who have recently lost their jobs and have been forced to cancel their subscription to Red Hot Dutch and now require access to as many free nipples as is humanly possible."

Mrs Margaret Gerving, director of the Anti-Nipple League, said: "Am I French? Is this France? At the very least they could ensure the nipple-coverings are in the shape of Sir Winston Churchill or Jesus."

The Ofcom inquiry is expected to be wide-ranging and will consider proposals for a 60% increase in the statutory Prime-Time Nipple Exclusion Zone.

A spokesman added: "We really must think about raising our complaint investigation threshold to more than 0.004% of the viewing audience."