Clegg changes first name to ‘Ryan’

NICK Clegg has kick-started the Lib Dem election campaign by changing his first name to ‘Ryan’.

The self-styled deputy prime minster said the name change would be the only thing in his party’s manifesto and make everyone in Britain ‘incredibly excited’.

Clegg insisted his new name would transform the NHS and that rich people and big companies would pay more tax to someone called Ryan because ‘they just want to be part of something cool and sexy’.

He added: “UKIP and the Tories want to take us back to the days of ‘Alf’ and ‘Stan’. Labour is now the party of ‘Caleb’ and ‘Finn’. The SNP wants everyone to be named ‘Kenny’ and, given the chance, the Green Party will change your first name to ‘Manure Production Facility’.

“Ryan is obviously much better than all of those. Especially Finn.”

Martin Bishop, who lives in Clegg’s Sheffield constituency, said: “I just hope it’s not too late. When he broke his promise on student fees I said he had to change his name to Ryan, or possibly Idris.

“I will vote for him, but only because it’s so unbelievably cool and sexy.”

Meanwhile, Clegg also announced that business secretary Vince Cable has changed his first name to ‘Channing’.


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Heroic mobile charger travels 1,500 miles to find owner

A LOYAL iPhone charger has crossed a continent to be reunited with its owner.

The plucky charger, left behind on a Riga city break in 2011, crossed eight countries over three-and-a-half years, never losing hope that one day it would be back by its owner’s bedside, charging her devices.

A police spokesman said: “The journey began in Latvia, where the charger escaped the hotel by stowing away in another passenger’s luggage which took it as far as Lithuania.

From there it coiled its cable around the axle of a lorry and hung on for hundreds of fume-choked miles across Poland before being shaken off by the sudden acceleration of the German autobahn.

Picked up by a roadside prostitute, it spent two years being cruelly used to charge knock-off iPads by an Albanian crime ring, only escaping by playing broken and ending up in landfill 50 miles outside Brussels.

Pulling itself along using its three pins, it crawled onto a bridge over the Eurostar line and daringly threw itself onto the roof of a passing train, clinging on through the tunnel until reaching Waterloo.

And from there it inched along, mile after mile, hiding from scavenging businessmen who could use a spare charger for the office, until it arrived home.”

Owner Susan Traherne said: “After giving up all hope of ever seeing it again, I couldn’t believe my eyes.

“However I’ve now got an iPhone 6 which has a different connector, so I threw it in the bin.”