LIBERAL Democrat leader Nick Clegg will rally his party this week by outlining a series of things that are never, ever going to happen.
In his keynote speech to the party's annual conference Clegg will claim the Lib Dems will hold the balance of power after the next election, despite a stunningly comprehensive lack of evidence.
Julian Cook, professor of politics at Reading University, said: "We've reached that point in the year where you may see headlines such as 'Lib Dems to tax homes worth more than £1m' as if that's a thing that could happen, instead of what it actually is which is just some noises coming out of a hole at the front of Vince Cable's head.
"You may also see stories about Mr Clegg rejecting an alliance with David Cameron, because obviously when the Tories win the next election with a majority of at least 60 seats the very first thing Cameron is going to do is offer Nick Clegg the Foreign Office.
"Over the weekend you may even have noticed Mr Clegg abandoning his pledge to abolish student tuition fees and thought, 'oh dear, poor old students' before quickly correcting yourself and thinking 'oh, hang on, that doesn't make the slightest difference to anyone or anything. At all'.
"In fact he may as well have said that he is abandoning his pledge to make your balls the size of pomegranates or cover China in a gigantic, Paisley-patterned table cloth."
Professor Cook added: "The Liberal Democrats are actually very sweet. It's a bit like watching a child put on a pair of daddy's shoes, pick up his briefcase and clomp up and down the hallway pretending to be a 'businessyman'.
"Then, of course, everyone has to sit down and discuss 'plolicies' while eating invisible cake and drinking a small, plastic pot of imaginary tea."