Clegg To Unveil Series Of Things That Will Never, Ever Happen

LIBERAL Democrat leader Nick Clegg will rally his party this week by outlining a series of things that are never, ever going to happen.

In his keynote speech to the party's annual conference Clegg will claim the Lib Dems will hold the balance of power after the next election, despite a stunningly comprehensive lack of evidence.

Julian Cook, professor of politics at Reading University, said: "We've reached that point in the year where you may see headlines such as 'Lib Dems to tax homes worth more than £1m' as if that's a thing that could happen, instead of what it actually is which is just some noises coming out of a hole at the front of Vince Cable's head.

"You may also see stories about Mr Clegg rejecting an alliance with David Cameron, because obviously when the Tories win the next election with a majority of at least 60 seats the very first thing Cameron is going to do is offer Nick Clegg the Foreign Office.

"Over the weekend you may even have noticed Mr Clegg abandoning his pledge to abolish student tuition fees and thought, 'oh dear, poor old students' before quickly correcting yourself and thinking 'oh, hang on, that doesn't make the slightest difference to anyone or anything. At all'.

"In fact he may as well have said that he is abandoning his pledge to make your balls the size of pomegranates or cover China in a gigantic, Paisley-patterned table cloth."

Professor Cook added: "The Liberal Democrats are actually very sweet. It's a bit like watching a child put on a pair of daddy's shoes, pick up his briefcase and clomp up and down the hallway pretending to be a 'businessyman'.

"Then, of course, everyone has to sit down and discuss 'plolicies' while eating invisible cake and drinking a small, plastic pot of imaginary tea."

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Millions Of Couples Given Green Light To Kill Each Other

THE director of public prosecutions will this week unveil new guidelines that will make it easier for couples to plot each other's deaths.

Keir Starmer will outline new rules granting immunity to the partners of vapid, screeching, fat-ankled harridans and windy, flaccid oafs whose greatest achievement is using the 'series link' function on Sky+ while cupping their own scrotum.

The guidelines will set out the basic method for knocking someone unconscious with a heavy saucepan, strapping them to a wheelchair and then hooking them up to an intravenous drip containing vodka and Disprin.

A spokesman for the Crown Prosecution Service added: "This should keep them nicely comatose while you wheel them into the back of a Transit van and drive them to Zurich.

"When you get there some nice people will give a cursory glance to your forged documents before despatching your liability peacefully and efficiently in a large, white room filled with flowers, bean bags and the lilting strains of Seasons in the Sun."

For those who cannot afford a Transit van the guidelines are expected to set out alternative methods of assisted suicide, including smothering them with a pillow, dropping a piano on their head and chasing them around the garden with a pair of ravenous alligators.

Mr Starmer said: "This is about showing compassion to people who face the devastating situation of slowly watching their loved one turn into a total and utter nightmare who simply has to die."

Tom Logan, director of the assisted suicide campaign group My Wife's a Fucking Cow, said: "I know where I can borrow a couple of really big alligators. This is so over."

Meanwhile Emma Logan, chairwoman of Fat, Bald, Useless Prick, insisted: "It's going to be difficult to drive to an alligator farm when you're locked in the back of a van as it winds its way through the majestic Bernese Oberland en route to your date with destiny.